A Man´s Worth
by Urizen
Summary: Finally Completed. Spike knows what will make Buffy happy, but at what cost? She will realize you don't know what you have until you've lost it.
1. Alone

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 1**

**A/N:** It's been a while since I wrote something. This is an idea I had crawling in the back of my head. I know the show is over but I really despised the way season 6 ended and I can't conceive the idea of Spike having a soul in season 7. This story takes place around the chapter named "Seeing Red", but I change it. I won't have Spike trying to abuse Buffy, nor him trying to find a soul.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

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Alone 

How much is a man's life worth?

How much is a demon's life worth?

I didn't know.

I do now.

I look around. I'm alone. 

No one to share my bloody revelation with.

But she's happy, isn't she?

Please, let her be happy.

The bottle in my hands shake, almost mocking me.

I take something from my pocket.  The only thing I have.

I wipe the blood off my nose and my eyes and stare at the silver ring.

So simple. So beautiful.

I didn't know it'd end like this.

-----------------------------------------

Three months ago.

Spike walked inside the house, taking care to place his leather duster on the rail of the stair. He was determined to have the slayer listen to him. She needed to see that he loved her and that he could give her what she wanted. He heard her in the bathroom and proceeded to walk there when something clicked inside his head. 

If he wanted her to listen he couldn't barge into the bathroom and claim her there.

He shook his head and instead walked into her room. Spike sat on the bed and listened to the shower and the soft humming noises Buffy was making. 

He knew that sooner or later she'd feel him, but he pushed the thought away. He began fantasizing about her and the time they spent together and tried to remember the good times. 

Unfortunately, there were no good times. At least, nothing came to his mind, except for some things he didn't want to think about. He looked around, trying to erase the thoughts that had entered his mind and his eyes fell on something important. An old book that had little hearts painted on, as well as flowers and some other things, just lying atop Buffy's drawer. He reached for it and noticed that it was her diary. Another idea assaulted his mind and he decided that if she felt something for him then it would be written down on the book. Spike carefully opened the book and began reading some passages. 

He instantly regretted it because most of the first pages were entirely devoted to his grandsire. 'Angel this' and 'Angel that' and many other sentences that praised the souled wonder filled most of the book's contents. Spike skipped many entries and found out that Buffy had stopped writing for a while and had only resumed writing a few days before she died. He began reading, curious as of what could she had written about him. He frowned when he found very few entries about him. He retraced the pages and looked for something that remotely talked about him. He didn't find his name, only vague references to him, as the 'bleached idiot' or 'souless' monster. That disturbed him even more, because if she couldn't even refer to him by his name in that private space, then what could he expect? However, when he thought that nothing could hurt him more, another thing happened, he stumbled upon a special entry, highlighted by the presence of a single photograph. Angel and Buffy, holding each other, smiling at the camera. Spike felt something tug at his dead heart when he read what was written under the photo glued to the paper.

_'Happiest day of my life.'_

He closed the book and placed it where he had found it. The thoughts that he tried to avoid came back full force.

Spike only remembered Buffy being happy when she was with the grand poof. He only remembered her smiling when she was with him or thinking about him.

Not Spike, never Spike.

He buried his head in his hands. He had walked inside her house to find something that could help their relationship, but he only succeeded in finding something that made him see how much he had hurt her and how he could never make her smile.

So that was it? His heart screamed no but his mind slowly worked and told him what he feared to acknowledge. 

"She'll always love him." He whispered to himself. "He was her first love, the only one who got the whole package."

Anger flared through him. The git had left her and had destroyed any chance for her to love someone again.

Then how come the diary only reflected her adoration for the poofster and why was it still on her drawer, proof that she still read it and sighed at her lost love?

Spike's thoughts were cut short when he realized that the sound of the shower had disappeared and that the slayer was probably on her way to her room. Panic rushed over Spike and he leapt out of her window, fearing that she had sensed him or worse. He ran off, not noticing that the slayer was oblivious of his presence and had simply plopped on her bed.

Spike ran without direction or purpose, the same thoughts running through his mind. After a while, he stopped and looked up. She had already broken up with him and it seemed that she didn't trust him. 'Never' she had told him once, and now it was pretty obvious that she meant it.

Spike allowed himself a moment of self-pity and cursed his fate. Was there a point in his existence where he'd get the girl? Not likely, and he had lost both of them to the same man. 

Maybe that was the problem, Buffy thought of Angel as a man, and she thought of him as shit. Not that he could blame her, not at that point. 

Had he disappointed her that much? Had he been nothing more than a distraction? 

Spike knew the answer to that, and it killed another part of his heart. He wanted to cry but he was so tired of it. He only wanted her to be happy and be the Buffy he had fallen in love with.  

A new determination entered his mind, for all he wanted was to see that girl happy again. Who cared about the way he felt?

He bitterly realized that no one in the whole universe did.

End of chapter


	2. Goodbye

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 2**

**A/N:** Second Part of the series.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

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Goodbye 

I'm drunk.

 I've been drinkin' for so long.

It numbs the pain.

I've lost count as to how many bottles I've consumed, an' I don't care anymore. 

I'm trying to forget, but it's never easy.

Can't forget the look in her eyes.

The look of betrayal and hurt.

I'm sorry, love.

I'm sorry.

---------------------------------------

Two months and twenty-nine days before.

Spike was ready to leave but he knew he couldn't leave without saying goodbye to a very special person. That was, if she wasn't still mad at him. She had witnessed his whole sexcapade with Anya and she doubted that he loved her sister. 

Spike knew he was asking for trouble when he used the tunnels to go to Dawn's school but he really needed to talk with her. The sooner he left and the fastest he accomplished his goals the better. 

After some unfortunate incidents in the sewers, he finally reached his destination. He climbed up the ladder and found himself right outside the school's backdoor. He covered himself up with his trusty blanket and made a run for it. 

He practically broke the door and he smothered the smoking blanket. He looked around and saw that fortunately no one had seen him barge in. It would have been a longshot trying to explain why was he stepping on a smoking blanket and why had he ran inside a school. He walked around, knowing that sooner or later the girls around him would spread the word about him and that his description would reach his lil'bit's ears. As soon as he thought it, said bit ran towards him and dragged him towards the bathrooms.

"Spike, what are you doing here?" Dawn practically shrieked. Spike smirked and grabbed Dawn's arm.

"Came 'ere because I need to talk to you."

"It couldn't wait until I got out of here?" She said, "Or until the sun came down?"

"No." Spike answered, "I have to leave soon."

"Leave?" Dawn asked, "I don't like the sound of that."

"Don't worry, bit, 'm only goin' to L.A." Spike said, noticing the scared look that Dawn gave him.

"Uhm, isn't that where Angel is?" Dawn asked, still feeling a bit troubled.

"I know"

"What?" Dawn once again shrieked, "If he sees you he'll kill you!"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, bit." Spike sarcastically retorted.

"Sorry." She said, "But Buffy told me that the last time you two met you tortured Angel."

Spike sighed and looked down. "Typical of your sister to tell you such things."

"It was true, wasn't it?" Not as much a question but a statement.

"It is true." Spike said, "But the slayer doesn't know all the things her bloody hero did to me."

"Then tell me." Dawn said.

"Maybe when you're older, bit." He looked at the clock in the hall and sighed again. "Got to go now, only stopped by to see you."

"Ok." Dawn said, "When will you be back?"

"Don' know." Spike answered.

 "Well, take care." Dawn said, as she hugged him. Spike returned the hug and got ready to walk out of the back door and into the sewers when he stopped walking and looked ahead.

"Two things, bit." He said, "I kinda forgot my coat on your house. Could you keep it warm f'r me?"

Dawn smiled and nodded as she voiced her acceptance.

"And the other thing?" She asked.

"I do love her, you know." Spike said, without turning around, "Even after Anya and I… you know."

"Why are you telling me that?" Dawn asked.

"Because I love you too, an' I don't want you to doubt that. Ever."

With that, he walked away into the sunlight and the safety the sewers provided.

---------------------------------------

Spike paced around his crypt for hours, waiting for the sun to go down. He knew he had to leave but he feared why he was doing it. Was it for her? Had he finally lost his mind?

The answer had to be yes. He would lose her forever if his plan succeeded, and some part of him hoped that this plan would blow up in his face like his last plans. 

But this time it had to work. She was worth it.

He was so immersed in his thoughts that he missed the point when the sun came down. Only when he smelt the unique scent that the night held was he aware that his time to leave had arrived. He still wondered why the slayer had not arrived and tried to shove something else his way. After that low blow he dealt both the slayer and the whelp, he wondered how much time it would pass by before either of them came and tried to kill him. He chuckled lightly, for he supposed that they had better things to do than trying to kill an already dead vampire.

His laughter died soon and he sighed again. It was time for him to leave.

He walked slowly to his car and threw the small bag in which he had his possessions. He considered leaving his car to the slayer but dismissed the notion as soon as it entered his mind. The chit didn't even knew how to drive, and it would be a cruel joke of fate if she died in a car wreck.

Spike looked around and waved goodbye to Sunnydale. 

If his plan worked he would never return.

End of Chapter.


	3. Vanished

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 3**

**A/N:** Part Three of the series.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

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Vanished 

Shouldn't 'ave left. Maybe Glinda would still be alive and Red wouldn't 'ave gone all psycho on them. How was I to know?

It's not as if I could 'ave helped them. This soddin' chip an' all.

But it still hurts. That Tara was sweet, an' she deserved so much happiness.

Maybe it's me. Every girl I think is nice dies or gets hurt.

Maybe I'm a disease.

--------------------------------------

Two months and twenty-seven days ago.

He expected violence.

Hell, he wanted violence, anything to get his mind off the ideas that were plaguing his mind. He had come to L.A. looking for the great poof and had found nothing. Spike knew where the hotel was (he kept track of his enemy, of course) and he knew that there were some humans working for Angel.

There were none of them inside the hotel.

He looked around and shouted and screamed but there was no one around.

Spike smelt the offices and it seemed that there had been no one there for about a day. 

"Anybody home?" He screamed at the top of his lungs. The only answer he received was the creepy silence that reigned over the hotel. 

No one was around and the vampire noticed the recent signs of a battle. He shrugged and walked out. There had to be a way to reach the grand poof. He was, after all, a champion for the Powers That Be. The unsouled vampire resumed his search for the souled one.

After hours of looking around, Spike grew tired of the game. He decided to call it a night and walked into a motel, the only place he could afford at the time.

----------------------------------------

Two months and six days ago.

Spike was about to give up.  He'd spent a long time looking for Angel and it seemed that he'd vanished from the face of the earth. It'd been a while since the last time he'd been in L.A., and his name wasn't as feared and respected as it was before.

L.A. was indeed the city of angels, and it seemed it was Angel's territory.

That is, until he dissappeared without a trace.

Spike was tired of asking and it seemed that there were some other people looking for Angel. The very same humans that worked for the souled wonder. Two humans and a boy that was hauntingly familiar. Dangerous, yet familiar. 

The sensation was not comfortable and he felt as if he was losing his time. Every day he regretted his choice of leaving the slayer and Dawn. He tried to call them but every time he phoned the slayer would pick up the phone. He really wanted to talk to her, but he feared that as soon as he'd cross words with her he'd go running back to Sunnyhell. He couldn't do that.

Not without seeing the poof first.

But as the days went by, the chances of finding the other vampire turned from slim to zero. Spike had combed the entire city four times and he had killed most demons that could be helpful. He even thought about using the services of the lawyers that had contacted him as soon as he step foot in the city, but he wasn't so pathetic to ask help from such a duvious source.

Bottom line, Spike was ready to give up and return to Sunnydale with his hands empty and another plan foiled. 

However, one last instinct told him to look out for the other human that worked with Angelus the last time he heard from the poof.

Time to look for the other watcher.

--------------------------------------------

Wesley was bored. 

Not that the sex with Lilah wasn't great, but he was tired of putting up with her games. 

He had better things to do. And he knew how to do them. 

He waited patiently while Lilah got dressed and left. Probably, his neighbors'd think that she was a call girl, coming and going at high hours in the night.

Finally, Lilah left and Wesley gathered his equipment. He was halfway through his weapons inventory when he heard a knock at the door. He frowned, for he wasn't expecting anyone at such hours. Maybe it was the boy who delivered his custom made weapons, but he had made clear that they were not to stop by unannounced. He picked up a sword and approached the door.

"Who is it?" He asked.

No one answered. After a few moments, there was another knock. Wesley gripped the sword tightly and adjusted his wrist pieces on each arm, one with a retractable sword and the other with a stake.

He slowly opened the door, and was greeted with a sight he never thought he'd see.

"G'night, watcher boy."

Wesley raised his sword and pointed it at Spike's neck, without leaving the safety of his home.

"William the Bloody. To what do I owe this unexpected visit?"

Spike smirked. This was not the man he had heard so much (or little, really.) about. He seemed as detached as he was.

"Need your help, mate."

It was Wesley's turn to smirk.

"And what makes you think I will be of any assistance to you?"

"Because I think you'll want to find Angelus as much as I do."

Wesley's eyes hardened and he took a step forward, still carefully within his own apartment.

"Do you know anything?"

"Not really, but all the traces lead to the ocean. You think our ol' Angelus is sleepin' with the fishes?"

"Could be." Wesley said, as he turned around and paced around. "My own research leads me as well to the ocean, but that's as far as it goes. Angel could very well be anywhere in the world now."

"Haven't heard any news 'bout the souled wonder in the ol' world, 'ave we?"

"Not one. Are you assuming that Angel is trapped in the ocean?"

"Could be."

Wesley once again stared at Spike, who in return stared back at the ex-watcher.

"Why are you looking for Angel?"

"Ol' score to settle."

"You want to kill him?"

"Wouldn't be too smart of me to say that I want to, innit?"

"Right. Heard you couldn't harm anything. That you were neutered."

"Prefer the term 'incapacitated', thank you very much."

"Only humans, right?"

"Only humans."

"Come in. We have much to discuss."

End of Chapter.


	4. The Right Place At The Right Time

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 4**

**A/N:** Part Four of the series. I apologize for not updating before. Work has been hell lately. 

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

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The Right Place At The Right Time 

Must remember.

Can't forget.

Must never forget.

-----------------------------------

One month, fifteen days ago.

"You're not making any sense."

"Shut up, watcher boy."

"I'm not a watcher anymore."

Spike looked into Wesley's eyes and saw something that most people saw in his own. He saw the pain and loneliness that those eyes held. 

"Ok, we're not goin' anywhere today. We should rest."

Wesley stretched in his chair and looked at the time.

"It's four in the morning, you shouldn't be tired."

"Been keepin' human hours." Spike said, as he also stretched. He stood up and walked towards the door.

"Why are you doing this?" Wesley asked. Spike didn't turn as he opened the door.

"Told you. Ol' score."

The door closed before Wesley could reply.

----------------------------------

Spike wandered throughout the city, looking for a place to stay. He was tired of hiding and he wanted a good night's rest. If the watcher was right, they'd find Angelus soon, and his plan would work. He looked up and allowed himself a moment to rest. He pictured Buffy's eyes in his mind and he smiled. It was all for her.

Spike sighed and kept on walking. 

There was no point in dreaming anymore.

----------------------------------

Two hours later, Spike barely managed to beat the sun running into the Hyperion. He had no money and had found no other place to stay. He carefully looked around, trying to hear if there were any humans in the hotel. After a couple minutes, he detected no heartbeat and no smells. He figured he'd be safe for the day, so he went into the hotel's kitchen, in order to hide the bags of blood he'd stolen from the hospital.

He was halfway towards the kitchen when a thunder shook him out of his thoughts. The sound of a small storm was coming from the lobby, and as soon as he came back, the force of the wind threw him out and almost into the deadly rays of the sun.

"Bloody hell!!" He shouted, before literall crawling back into the safety of the hotel. When the wind died out, light shone in the middle of the lobby with such intensity that Spike had to cover his eyes. As soon as he opened his eyes, he saw the lone figure of a woman dressed in white. Her hair was short and he was sure he had seen her before.

The woman scanned the place until her eyes fell on the vampire in front of her. She narrowed her eyes and recognition flashed through them.

"Spike?"

The vampire tilted his head and tried to rememeber when had he seen her. And it was obvious that she knew him.  The memory came back and he smirked at her.

"Cheerleader. Long time no see."

But Cordelia didn't seem to hear him, she turned around and seemed more like a lost girl than a higher being.

"Where's Angel."

Spike was about to answer when he saw her eyes close and she tumbled to the floor.

Spike didn't try to catch her.

-----------------------------------

Minutes went by and Spike grew anxious. Cordelia had fallen face first into the floor and had almost broken her nose. Spike had been remembered of his hunger upon seeing and smelling blood and went to eat before returning to her side. 

He had not tried to wake her up because he had seen the way she had appeared on the hotel. She might have been a cheerleader once but the woman lying unconscious in the floor was way more than human. Power practicaly beamed out of her and her scent was different.

But Spike was sure of one thing. The girl was no longer human.

So he sat on one end of the floor, waiting patiently for her to awaken. After three minutes and twenty two seconds, he grew bored and decided to wake her up himself. He began smoking a cigarette and shouted at her.

"Hey! Rise an' shine!"

No movement.

"Oy! It's daytime!!"

Still as a rock.

"Fire!!"

When the girl didn't move, Spike took a few steps towards her. He surely didn't want to startle her and be burnt by a stray bolt or something like that. One did not get to be 120 by being careless. He carefully touched Cordelia's hand and frowned when she didn't even stir. He crawled closer and felt her wrist for a pulse. It was faint but it was there, getting stronger by the minute. He knelt down in front of her and cleared the hair off her face and wiped the blood from her nose. He listened to her breath and noticed that it was slow and steady. She was asleep, not unconscious. 

Spike carefully managed to place Cordelia in his lap and lightly slapped her face.

"Come on, cheers, wake up."

Suddenly, he frowned. What the hell was he doing? Trying to help a woman who had been annoying as hell and had never shown him the respect and fear he wanted. He was lost in his thoughts when she began to stir. She opened her eyes and noticed that she was in Spike's arms and that his head was close to hers.

"Ahem."

Spike jumped and dropped Cordelia off his lap, who managed to avoid another hit to her head.

"Don't bloody do that!!" Spike shouted.

"What?! You were the one who had his hands all over me!"

"Like I'd even think about touching you!"

Cordelia sighed  and lifted up a hand.

"Ok, shut up, I don't have the time to be annoyed by you. Where's Angel."

Spike stared at her.

"You're the one who appeared glowin' in 'ere. You tell me."

"He's not here?"

"Do you see him anywhere?"

"Oh my God, this can't be."

Spike narrowed his eyes and stared at her.

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand."

Spike growled and shook his head.

"Don' know what you all see in the poof."

"He's a champion of the Powers that Be, thank you very much."

"Oh, tha's soddin' great, jus' mope around for a century an' you get to be a champion. Tha's jus' fuckin' great."

Cordelia stared at Spike and her eyes turned white.

"I can't waste my time with you. I have to find Angel."

"Well, good luck, cheers. Been tryin' to do that m'self f'r a couple months."

Cordelia turned her pupiless eyes towards the vampire.

"What?!"

"He, lost you're hearin' alongside yer pupils?"

"Why are you looking for him?"

"Why does everyone 'as to keep askin' me that?"

Cordelia crossed her arms and stared at him.

"Because last time you were here you poked him with an iron bar?"

"He got off easy."

Cordelia sighed and rubbed her temple. If she couldn't win the argument, she might as well find the vampire useful.

"Do you have an idea where he might be?"

Surprising her, Spike answered right away.

"Don' know, cheers. Lost 'is track on the ocean."

"Dammit. He should have been rescued before."

"Rescued?"

"Something went off. This was not how it was supposed to go."

"Uhm, care to elaborate?"

Cordelia sighed and rubbed her eyes with her hands.

"We don't have time."

"Time for what?"

"I can't tell you. I need to find my friends."

"Uhm, you friends wit' the ex-watcher?"

-------------------------------------

Wesley sat down, trying to understand the things that Cordelia had told him in the past half an hour. Spike's mind was also analyzing the story that the higher being had related.

After a few minutes of tense silence, Cordelia sighed again and stared at them both.

"Look, it's not as if I told you something you had never heard before. Frankly, I'm more shocked that you, Wesley, trust Spike, who tried to kill us for like, a thousand times."

Wesley tried to focus on what Cordelia was saying.

"I'm afraid that my... association with William The Bloody is somewhat less appaling than the things you just told us."

"Yes, what are we waiting for , then?" Spike said. Both Cordelia and Wesley turned to look at him.

"Why are you so anxious?" Cordelia asked,

"Been asking the same for the past days." Wesley muttered. Spike just shrugged and stood up.

"No particular reason." With that, the vampire walked out of Wesleys apartment. He walked outside of the building, carefully avoiding any ray of sun and began smoking. He leaned on the nearest wall and exhaled the smoke. He was getting closer and then the cheerleader had to come up with such news.

That wasn't fair.

Angelus dying wasn't part of his plan.

End of Chapter


	5. A Quest

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 5**

**A/N:** Part Five of the series. 

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

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A Quest   

What is it about women that they make you want that which you cannot have?

Why must we long the things that were not meant for us?

What drives us to do the impossible for them?

Love.

---------------------------------------

Twenty days ago.

"Sod it all."

"Calm down, we've almost located where he is."

"I don' care, this is all a waste of time."

"Calm down."

"I can't calm down!! We've been at this for the past ten nights!"

"The ocean's a big place."

"I know!! Why can't she use her bloody higher sight an' locate the poof for us?"

"It doesn't work that way."

Both Spike and Wesley turned around to look at Cordelia. Even in her new clothes, she still seemed exhausted.

"What do you mean?" Wesley asked.

"I can't guide Angel in this. He's supposed to do it on his own."

"That still doesn't explain why you can't jus' lift 'im off the water." Spike snorted.

"This is a quest, Spike. He's the vampire who can do this." Cordelia said, rubbing her forehead.

Spike shook his head.

"It's almost dawn, we won't get anythin' today. Le's go."

Wesley nodded and turned the boat back.

----------------------------------------

"What?" Cordelia asked.

"Is it for real?"

"Yes, Wesley, it is."

"I can't believe it. After all this years."

"I know. It doesn't seem fair."

"Why were you sent, then?"

Cordelia looked away, pacing around in the lobby of the hotel.

"I wanted to."

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't want it to be Skip."

"Skip?"

Cordelia waved her hand, dismissing Wesley's question.

"There's un upside to it all, isn't it?"

"Yes." Cordelia whispered.

"What is it?"

"A wish."

--------------------------------------

Spike paced around in his room. He had been writing and then all ideas had fled from his mind. He had forgotten what he wanted to say and how he wanted to. He looked at the pencil in his hand and the amount of paper scattered around the room. He even tried to write an apology or even an excuse.

But how could he do it_? 'I'm sorry I left you, everything buggered up and now Im back with my tail between my legs' _didn't cut it.

He would not allow it. He had a plan and this time he wouldn't let it all go to hell. 

-------------------------------------

"Now what?"

"There is another way."

Cordelia turned on her bed to stare at the vampire.

"What?"

"I said, there is another way."

"Look, even if there was, this was meant for Angel."

Spike chuckled.

"If I recall correctly, the name Angel was never mentioned on your so called quest. Not even the mention of the vampire with a soul."

Cordelia frowned.

"Your point is?"

"I can do it instead."

"What?"

"Sure know 'ow to repeat that word, innit?"

Cordelia sat up and tried her best to form words. Then, her brain began functioning again and suspicion grew.

"You're not fooling me, Spike. I know what you would want."

"Oh, is that right?"

"Yes. There'd be no difference in what's going to happen."

"Enlighten me."

"I know about your chip."

Spike chuckled.

"Oh, this is rich. Are you even payin' attention to me, you stupid bint? I said there was another bloody way!"

Cordelia flinched a bit, but her eyes once again became white.

"First of all, don't call me whatever the hell you just called me, and second, this isn't a game."

"I never said it was a game. I am serious."

"I don't believe you. What could you get out of all this?"

Spike lowered his head, and Cordelia barely heard what the vampire said.

"A soul."

---------------------------------------

"Where do you think he went?"

"I don't know, and I don't want to talk about it."

Dawn sulked and sighed.

"Don't you miss him?" She said in a small voice.

"No. He left when we could have used his help." Buffy answered coldly.

"So that's it."

"What?" Buffy whipped her head to stare into her sister's eyes.

"You're mad because he left."

Buffy sighed and closed her eyes.

"I'm mad because he didn't say goodbye."

---------------------------------------

Wesley downed his third shot of whiskey, having heard what the vampire had offered. He shook his head and looked at his visitors.

"Are you aware of the consequences?" The englishman asked. Spike nodded and Cordelia huffed.

"Cordelia, please. We shouldn't close ourselves to the possibility."

"What possiblity? He's lying."

Spike growled but he never looked at Cordelia.

"Lis'en, mate. I know what I am doin' an' I can't think of another way of avoidin' this."

"Oh, yeah, a 'soul', let me believe you." Cordelia interrupted. Spike growled again.

"She has a point." Wesley said, "Why should we believe your words?"

"I have my reasons." Spike answered. Wesley stared for a long time into Spike's eyes and sudden recognition hit him.

"Who sent you?"

"What?" Spike shouted.

"You don't seem to be doing this on your own accord. You hate Angel. Why would you want to help him?"

"I don't want to help him. I need something from him."

"See? I knew it. You're up to something." Cordelia stated. 

"I don't care if you believe me or not. I'm givin' you lot a way out of this mess."

"This is insane. I can't believe Buffy has let you live this long." 

"Leave 'er out of this." Spike growled again. The action did not go unnoticed by Wesley and he rememebered what he had been seeing in the vampire's eyes before.

"Oh, no, maybe we should call her and have her come here and kick your ass back to where you belong."

"Shut. Up." 

"Supposing I believe you," Wesley interrupted, "why would you want a soul?"

"None of your business." Spike replied, still staring at Cordelia.

"You're aware of the price." Wesley continued, "So I repeat, how is a soul important to you?"

"Not to me." Spike answered without thinking. Wesley nodded and understood what was happening. Cordelia seemed oblivious to it all.

"Where shall the orb be, Cordelia?" Wesley asked. Cordelia was shocked by the question and couldn't answer immediately.

"You're not planning on giving him the chance, are you?" Cordelia asked.

"It's called the benefit of doubt, Cordelia. Even if he's lying he knows of the price he'll pay."

"But... this was meant for Angel." Cordelia insisted.

"And what will be the consequence?!" Wesley almost shouted. "You know that what Spike is offering is the only way we have out. We'll have to trust in him."

Cordelia shook her head and stormed out of Wesley's apartment. Both Spike and Wesley sighed.

"She'll come around." Wesley said. Spike nodded and proceeded to walk out of the apartment.

"Who is she?" Wesley's voice made him stop.

"There is no one." Spike lied.

"Do you love her?" Wesley pushed.

Spike growled.

"I guess I'll take that as a yes."

"You're speakin' nonesense."

"I don't think so. I thought vampires couldn't feel love."

Spike opened the door and stepped outside. 

"We can. At least I do."

"Do you even know what loving someone is?"

"Of course I do." 

Spike closed the door and walked away, a single thought in his head.

_'It's being loved what I've never known.'_

End of Chapter


	6. Old Enemies

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 6**

**A/N:** Part Six of the series. 

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Enemies   

Funny 'ow 've always hated 'im.

Hated 'im 'cause 'e's got the things 've never 'ad.

Never will.

But then again, 'e's the one for 'er.

----------------------------------------

Twelve days ago.

"Come on, cheers! We don' 'ave the whole bloody night!"

"Shut up." Cordelia snorted as she got up on the boat. Wesely awaited patiently for both the vampire and his friend to get up and settled on the boat. 

"All settled?" He asked. Cordelia nodded and Spike smirked.

"Finally. For a higher being, she sure is slow."

Cordelia's eyes flashed white and she closed her hand into a fist.

"For God's sake! I don't know how Buffy has managed not to stake you!" 

Spike's eyes flashed dangerously at the mention of the slayer, but he kept calm.

"Oh, I don' know, maybe it's my sex appeal."

"Please! Like anyone would ever want to be with you!"

Truth to be told, the words hit harder than Spike would ever admit, but he remaint in his position, only smirking some more.

"Oh, I've been known to turn some heads in my time. Literally."

Wesley couldn't help the grin that came to his face, while Cordelia made some gagging noises and shook her head.

"I don't know why I keep up with you stupid vampires."

----------------------------------------

As time went by, the search was narrowed to a certain spot not too far from where they'd been searching before. Wesley's radar kept searching for a metallic object in the bottom, while Spike tried to see if he could feel his grand sire's presence. Cordelia had a certain knolwedge about where the souled vampire could be, but she had not been allowed to know the exact whereabouts of said vampire.

"I'm bored."

"Wow, to be bored you actually 'ave to think."

Cordelia slapped Spike's head and tried to growl at him. Wesley laughed some more.

"Like you'd know, with all that bleach in your hair, it's a wonder it hasn't made its way to your small brain."

"The chit 'as some balls, ey?" Spike asked Wesley, trying hard not to laugh.

"Sure has some." Wesley replied. Cordelia rolled her eyes and returned to watch the water.

Some minutes went by in complete silence, until Wesley broke it with a question.

"It's the slayer, isn't she?"

Spike didn't turn to acknowledge Wesley, just began smoking.

"Why d'you ask?"

"Saw it in you when we talk about her."

"Saw what? Don' 'ave a soul to peek in."

"Who said you need a soul to love?"

Spike snorted and now looked into Wesley's eyes.

"You lot. Watchers wrote that sometime ago."

"I am no longer a watcher. It is Buffy. I know."

Spike smiled and turned away.

"Well, you can think what you want."

Wesley was about to answer when Cordelia's voice reached their ears.

"Is it true, then?"

Both men turned to look at her.

"What?" Spike asked.

"There is indeed a vampire in love with the slayer."

Spike cleared his throat.

"Yes, an' we are actually tryin' to get 'im from under the sea. Get wit' the program."

Cordelia ignored him and kept talking.

"When I was... there, the rumor began. About a creature of the night in love with a warrior of the Powers."

"Once again, the poof."

Now Cordelia turned to look at Spike.

"A creature of the night, you sack of stupid. They do not refer to Angel as a creature of the night."

"Oh yeah? How do they call the poof, then?"

"He's a Champion."

"That is of no importance." Wesley interrupted. "Are you telling us that even in the higher plane of existence you were at, Spike's love for Buffy was an important event?"

"Not that it was earth shattering or something like that, but it wasn't usual."

"Interesting."

"Hey, it's my life you're discussin'!"

"No need for more lies, Spike. This is all about Buffy, right?"

Spike looked at both of them, and sighed as he threw his unfinished cigarette into the water.

"Yes."

Cordelia smiled, sure that she had caught Spike in the lie.

"But not for the reasons that you think."

"Uh?"

"I don' 'ave to explain anythin' to you." Spike turned away. Sudden knowledge dawned on Cordelia's eyes and she turned around to look at Wesley, who in turn just nodded.

"This is why you're helping us find Angel. That is why you want to take his place."

Spike sighed and shook his head.

"You don' understand. Stop tryin' to analyze whatever 'm doin'. There is no point to it."

The humans in the boat remained silent, but their minds raced and came with many different explanations.

---------------------------------

"Big and metallic. I think we found it. Spike?"

"The tinglin' is there. Think we jus' found the ol' grand sire."

"Well then, move!"

Cordelia's command movilized both men on the boat, who began making the proper adjustments for the metal object to be brought out of the water. After a few minutes, Spike realized that dawn was fastly approaching.

"We have to hurry. Both the poof an' I will be piles of dust if we don't hurry this bloody thing up."

"I know. But this machine is quite old. We'll have to come back tomorrow."

"We can't do that! There are things to be done!" Cordelia screamed. Spike whirled around and stared at her.

"Look. I already told you. He won't be doin' anythin'. We'll take 'im out 'cause that's what we 'ave to do. Whatever you  may be thinkin', I already tol' you I will be doin' it. Is it clear?"

"No it is not. Even if you love Buffy, I can't let you do something that was meant for Angel to do."

"Do you really want 'im to go through that?"

"It's not a matter of what I want. It's a matter of what the Powers decided."

Spike smirked and flashed a bit of fangs.

"From what you said, they need a vampire. Nothin' else."

Cordelia's anger began escalating.

"This is Angel's job. It's what he has been expecting."

"Are you willin' to 'ave 'im pay the price?"

Cordelia looked away and a small shiver ran through her.

"Of course not."

"Then...?"

"You are not worthy of this!" Cordelia exploded. "You are a souless, evil creature, there is nothing good about you and I can't let you do this!!"

Her words hit Spike harder than she expected, mainly because he had heard them before, from another female.

"Yes, I am a souless, evil creature." He hissed, "More the reason for me to do it. I can pay the price."

"This is Angel's job." Cordelia insisted. Spike sighed. He walked towards her until he was almost nose to nose.

"I can see it in y'r eyes. I can smell the fear in you every time you say it is the poof's job. I can almost taste the anxiety that waves off you when you think about it. Tell me, why are you so keen on 'avin' the ol' bastard go through that?"

"I told you why." Cordelia whispered.

"No. That's what they tol' you. I want to know why you think this is his job."

"I..."

"No doubts, cheers. Tell me."

Cordelia closed her eyes, willing the tears not to come.

"I don't want him to."

Spike smiled and touched her arm lightly.

"Then listen to me. Know what I can do."

------------------------------------------

Different thoughts and different emotions ran throught the beings on board of the boat. Cordelia felt happiness for having found Angel in time. Wesley felt a certain sense of peace for rescuing the vampire. A sense of completion. 

Spike felt numb. When he had told Cordelia and Wesley his whole plan, both had remained silent and had agreed to help him. The higher being had been a bit unsupportive at first, but her concern for the older vampire won. Wesley understood without replying one word. Another nod and a handshake showed his affirmation.

So Spike had been allowed by these two beings to do what was meant for his old enemy.

And the bleached vampire felt hope die, for his plan had been a complete success.

End of Chapter


	7. A Phonecall Away

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 7**

**A/N:** Part Seven of the series. 

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Phonecall Away   

It burns.

I tried to make it right.

I really did.

For her.

Always for her.

----------------------------------------

Three days ago

"What?" Angel asked. He couldn't believe what Cordelia was telling him.

"Yes, it is why I'm back here."

Angel shook his head and tried to understand.

"What you're telling me..."

"Oh, come on Peaches, shut up and try to get it together."

"Shut up, Spike. Why are you still here, anyways?"

"Couldn't miss this huge event."

Angel just turned around and stared at everyone in the room. After a few days of gaining his strenght back and his final breakdown with his son, he was exhausted and just wanted to lie down and rest.

But the news were more than forthcoming.

"Why did this happen?" He asked. Cordelia smiled.

"It's about time it did."

-----------------------------------------

"Hey, no fair! I don't have slayer strength!"

"Come on, Dawnie, it's the only way you'll learn how to stop a vampire." Buffy said, smiling at her younger sister.

"Yeah, just because I managed to dust a few doesn't mean I can take on you." Dawn huffed, taking her sword back from where it had landed after fighting with Buffy. "Besides, why aren't you using a sword as well?"

"Because I'm trying to teach you how to kill a vampire. You must have a weapon at your side. They already have theirs." Buffy frowned and suddenly remembered where had she heard those words before. The sudden change in her features did not go unnoticed by her sister.

"What is it?" Dawn asked.

"It's been a while."

"Huh?"

"Nothing." Buffy straightened up. "Get your sword in position. We have to start all over again."

--------------------------------------------

"You are taking this very well." Wesley said, approaching the vampire.

"It is a big surprise." Angel replied, sititng in his office.

"What are you going to do about it?" The former watcher asked. The vampire frowned.

"I still don't know. I never thought this would happen so soon."

"After more than a hundred years?"

"You know what I mean." 

Both remained silent. Angel looked at his phonebook and began playing with it.

"Someone you want to call?"

"You know I do."

"After all this time?"

"With this happening, there is no more reasons for me to stay away."

"No more reasons for you, Angel."

The vampire looked up and stared at Wesley.

"What do you mean?"

"Think before you act. You can't change what you did. You have to find a way to compensate for all that you ended when you walked away." Wesley turned around and left the office. Angel stood immovile for a few minutes, pondering what the man had just told him. He ran his hands through his hair and opened his phonebook.

-------------------------------------------

Spike leaned against the wall outside of the hotel. Once again, the shades provided him a saf haven away from sunlight and he could look at the world as if he were still alive. He brought the cigarette to his mouth and inhaled. The smoke filled his lungs and it gave him a sudden sensation of peace.

"Hiding in the sun?"

The female voice shook Spike out of his thoughts and made him focus on reality.

"Not really."

"Out on broad daylight and smoking. Both things could lead to a fiery, painful death, don't they?"

Spike smirked and threw the cigarette away.

"'S not as if I'm worried. What are you doin' 'ere, cheers?"

Cordelia smiled and walked towards the light.

"I can't still believe what you asked me to do in there."

"And I can't believe you actually helped me."

The vampire stared into Cordelia's eyes and he realized something.

"There's somethin' between the poof an' you, innit?"

Cordelia looked away.

"We were partners."

"'M not talkin' 'bout work. 'M talkin' 'bout life. Real life."

"We were friends."

"Were?"

Cordelia returned her gaze to the vampire's eyes.

"Yes, Spike. Friends. Why else do you think I'd do the crazy thing you asked me to do?" Cordelia said, as she rushed back inside the hotel. Spike didn't move. 

"You did it for the same reason I did."

------------------------------------------

The souled vampire stared intently at the numbers in front of him. But there were more things in his mind besides numbers and dreams. The sudden appearance of Cordelia, Wesley, and above it all, Spike, confused him and had his brain working overtime. His partnership with Wesley had ended the night theformer watcher had decided to steal his son, and buried deep when Angel tried to smother him with a pillow. Cordelia's dissappearance had been a mistery, but now he knew she was a higher being and worked directly with The Powers That Be, hence the first hand information.

But Spike was an enigma. No one in Sunnydale had ever told him that he was still around. Or what he was doing. He seemed to recall Willow mentioning that he was harmless, something about a chip in his head. Courtesy of the U.S. Government. But why was he here? And why had he helped them take him out of his water tomb?

Millions of reasons ran through his mind, but the most rational one lingered in the back of his head. Spike had come to kill him, and in order to kill him he had to find him first. 

Well, it was a longshot because the younger vampire could have staked him the moment they took him out of his metal casket. Angel had been as weak as a kitten and it could have been a matter of miliseconds for Spike to finish him off. 

So what? Was Spike waiting for a perfect opportunity? Was he here to stop what Cordelia had promised him?

Why in God's name was that stupid vampire in Los Angeles?

There was only one way to find out, and it was within the numbers he had been staring at for the past ten minutes.

The souled vampire picked up the phone and dialed the number. After a few rings, a male's voice answered.

"Hello?"

Angel frowned. Had someone else moved in with her?

"Hi, uhm, is Buffy home?"

"Sure, who's calling?"

"Angel."

Silence greeted him from the other side of the line. He was about to say something when the voice spoke again.

"I'll be damned. The great evil undead himself finally calls."

"Xander." Angel sighed.

"Yeah. Wait up."

Angel rubbed his eyes. Xander had never liked him and it seemed he never would.

A few moments later, a female's voice sounded throught the phone.  
"Angel."

The vampire could not stop the grin that crept up his face. He had been waiting for so long to finally talk to Buffy and tell her what Cordelia had told him earlier.

"How are you, Buffy?"

"Good. Can't complain. You?"

"Can't complain either." There was something in her voice that seemed strange to Angel. She usually was happier to hear him. He couldn't blame her. After all, he only called when there was something weird or an apocalypse was coming. "Look, I'm not calling to worry you or to tell you bad news. Quite the opposite."

"Really? That's a first." Buffy chuckled.

"There's no way to say this properly, but..."

"Is it Angel?" Another voice was heard through the line. Angel couldn't place who was it.

"Yes, Dawn, it is Angel." Buffy replied. 

"Ask him if he has seen Spike, please." The voice inquired. Angel frowned and rememebred who Dawn was. Buffy's little sister. And had she just asked about Spike?

"Sorry about that, Angel. Dawnie doesn't know how to be quiet here."

Angel smiled.

"I remember. Did she just ask about Spike?"

"Yeah, it seems he told her he was going to L.A. to visit."

"Oh."

Silence stretched between the two of them.

"Is he there?" Buffy asked, her voice shy.

"Yes."

"Is that why you called?"

"Mostly? No."

"Then?"

Angel cleared his throat.

"I was about to get to that. Buffy, there are some very good news."

"What?"

"My soul."

Buffy's sharp intake of breath was heard.

"What about it?" She asked, a bit of fear in her.

"Nothing wrong about it. Something Cordelia told me."

Buffy heard the next words and she almost became numb. She didn't even say goodbye before hanging up. She looked around as if she were lost. The words becoming blurry in her mind. She sat down and began to take deep breaths.

Had she heard correctly?

Had he been telling the truth?

_"Buffy, I'm being rewarded. Finally. The curse will be lifted. My soul will be permanent."_

End of Chapter.


	8. Good News

A Man's Worth Chapter 8  
  
A/N: Part Eight of the series. Another apology for the delay in updates.  
  
WARNING: This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.  
  
DISCLAIMER: You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.  
  
FEEDBACK: As you wish ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------  
  
Good News  
  
"He said what?!" Buffy did not answer her sister. She just kept packing a few things, ready to go to Los Angeles. "You heard what I said." "Uhm, yeah, but I don't hear every day that Angel is going to get his soul permanently." "That, and he said that Spike was there." "Yeah, well, that's where he said he'd go." Buffy slowly turned around and stared at Dawn's eyes. "You knew where he was all this time? Weren't you asking me about his whereabouts a few days ago?" Dawn fidgeted. "Uhm, yeah, because I hadn't heard from him, but I did tell you where he went in the first place, remember?" "I don't seem to remember you telling me that." Dawn shook her head. "I did tell you. And even if I didn't, you wouldn't have done a thing about it." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Please. Everybody knows Spike loves you and you treat him like dirt." "Dawnie, Spike can't love, he doesn't have any soul." Dawn sighed and stepped closer to her sister. "You may be older. You may have more experience than I do. You might know so much more things that I do. But there is one thing I don't have to know, because I can feel it. He loves you. Wether you want it or not." The former key walked out of her sister's bedroom, leaving a very confused slayer behind to think. ------------------------------------  
  
"Is this the adress? Is this even handwritin'?" "Of course it is, just because you can't read it doesn't mean I have bad handwriting!" Spike chuckled and placed away the piece of paper. "You're bein' awfully supportive of this." He said. "I still don't believe you're doing this out of the pureness of your heart, but I don't want anything to happen to Angel." Spike sighed and turned his back on Cordelia. "You don't trust me." "How could I? My memories of you consist of you terrorizing us and being evil. Besides, up there, I saw everything that you did. You are a monster." Spike chuckled. "Amusin'. But if you saw what I did, surely you must 'ave seen what ol' Angelus did." Cordelia fell silent at the words. A soft sob escaped her lips. "Yes. I saw. But most importantly, I felt. I felt what he felt all those years." Spike frowned. "What was that?" Cordelia sniffed and hugged herself. "Joy. He liked doing what he did." "And I? What did I feel?" Cordelia then stared into Spike's eyes. "Nothing." -------------------------------------  
  
"How are you feeling, man?" Angel paced around, with a grin in his face. "I can't explain it. It's something I've been waiting for a hundred years." Gunn smiled and patted the vampire's back. "It's great. I can't say I get it, but I'm glad." Both remained silent for a while, until the souled vampire spoke at last. "What is it?" "Nothing. I'm cool." "I know you. What?" Gunn cleared his throat and grabbed his head. "Look, man, I respect you. Totally. But, there are some loose ends in here." Angel stopped pacing and stared at his friend. "Loose ends?" "Y'know." "Buffy." "Aaaand...?" "Spike." "Cordelia. And what is it with Billy Idol there?" "Don't know. What about Buffy and Cordelia?" Gunn chuckled. "You're over two hundred and you don't get what I'm telling you? Man, you're lost." Angel ran his hands through his hair and chuckled. "I can't think straight. The news Cordy gave me were such good news. It's been a while since I've been this..." "Happy?" A wicked smile crossed Angel's features. "You could say that." --------------------------------------------  
  
You can't feel a thing.  
  
Words that wouldn't mean so much to anyone who really didn't feel a thing.  
  
Spike was not one of those. He ran the thought through his mind. A higher being had witnessed his whole existence and had said that he didn't feel anything. Angelus had felt joy. A basic emotion. Something that explained what he was and what he did. The bastard enjoyed causing pain. The vampire had been great.  
  
And Spike?  
  
What did that make him? He remembered being happy about being a vampire, but he also remembered enjoying feeding and murdering.  
  
On a second thought, he preferred a good brawl instead of just feeding, and he always thought that came from being a vampire.  
  
Perhaps that came from his repressed persona of William. Maybe the joy he felt was a specified response to his actions as a brutal murderer. Maybe what he felt was only a delussion.  
  
Did that mean that what he felt for Buffy was an obsession? That he didn't love her at all? That she was right?  
  
That he was nothing and he couldn't feel a thing?  
  
He had killed. He had destroyed. He had reveled in power and he had felt independence. He had been a respected and feared vampire.  
  
He'd been complete.  
  
Now he just felt empty.  
  
Spike changed into game face and bit his forearm as hard as he could.  
  
Maybe physical pain could distract him. --------------------------------------------------  
  
Buffy stepped out of the bus and inhaled the air of a typical L.A. night. It wasn't as clean as it was in Sunnydale, but it brought memories to her. After all, she had grown up in there and she always felt at home when she returned.  
  
However, her mind soon brought her back to the task at hand. Angel was about to have his soul anchored and Spike was with him.  
  
Those two together were always trouble.  
  
And why was Spike in L.A.? Didn't he know that the moment Angel saw him he'd be dust? Tha last time the two vampires were together in the same room, Spike had an iron bar inside Angel's body. Not a good scenario at the time.  
  
Besides, Angel had been getting moodier in the past months. Should a fight ensue, Spike's chances of survival would decrease dramatically.  
  
On second thought, Spike had been playing with Angel last time. Maybe if they fought with all they got they'd kill each other.  
  
Not good. Not good at all.  
  
She didn't want Angel to die. --------------------------------------------------  
  
Cordelia came down the stairs from Spike's room. She wasn't feeling all that well and she liked to think that it was because she still wasn't used to this plane of existance.  
  
After a few months of being, basically, an angel, she wasn't used to being human again. But there was something else bothering her on a fundamental level.  
  
Spike's eyes.  
  
She had seen the way he had lowered his head when she had said that he felt nothing, implying it was because he was a vampire. She felt even worse when his eyes met hers and she saw something similar to sadness there. He had muttered something and she felt the need to leave the room.  
  
Cordelia shook her head and dismissed shuch thoughts. She was sure of what she had felt. What if she had been so immersed in Angelus' life that she barely paid attention to Spike?  
  
She smiled when she saw Angel standing in the lobby. -----------------------------------------------  
  
Angel returned the smile he saw in Cordelia's face. He was trying to get back the feeling that had been bursting through his chest when he had tried to reach Cordelia on the beach all those months ago.  
  
When he saw her, he couldn't deny the strong attraction that was between the two of them. She was beautiful in every sense. She had grown, she had matured, and she was certainly a champion herself. She was a higher being.  
  
He walked to her, approaching her and smiling even wider when he heard her heartbeat flutter and increase its pace, just because he was near her.  
  
Cordelia, for her part, knew of her body's reaction to Angel's nearness. She was bothered by it but the thought of it was fastly fading, instead focusing on how to talk and not appear as a nervous cheerleader.  
  
"Angel..." She almost croaked. Angel smiled at her and placed one hand on her cheek.  
  
"How are you?" He asked. She smiled some more and shrugged. "Fine, but I think it's getting better." "I know. Can you believe it?" "No. Not yet. This is what I've always wanted." "Is it?" Cordelia asked, trying to see what was between them. "Most of it. I can't have a semblance of a normal life like this." Cordelia smiled. "Yeah, it was about time." "Yes. The powers have been slow, but they finally remembered me." Cordelia flinched and Angel noticed it. "Something wrong?" He asked. Cordelia looked around and grasped her hands together. "Look, Angel. There might be some things that are not clear about this... prophecy." "What do you mean?" Angel said, narrowing his eyes and taking one step back. "There are some factors that might affect the outcome of this development." "What factors?" Cordelia's mind went spinning. She had to tell him about Spike's plans. She was still not fully convinced that the soulless vampire's idea was honest at all.  
  
But the look on Angel's eyes.  
  
It seemed that vampire's eyes were affecting her more these days.  
  
"The thing is this..."  
  
She couldn't finish because the front door of the Hyperion was suddenly opened, revealing a girl standing there.  
  
Both Angel and Cordelia turned around and saw who it was. They said the name at the same time.  
  
"Buffy." ------------------------------------------------------  
  
Spike felt the exact moment she arrived.  
  
He frowned and it took him a few seconds to realize that as soon as Angel had received news of his soul he'd call Buffy immediately.  
  
What Spike didn't expect was her coming so fast. -----------------------------------------------------  
  
Angel smile grew even more when he saw Buffy. He forgot what he had thought about Cordelia and remembered that the small blond in front of him was the love of his life.  
  
He turned his back on Cordelia and began walking towards Buffy. Their eyes met and identical smiles appeared on their faces.  
  
"Is it true?" Buffy asked. Angel nodded. "How?" "The Powers That Be are rewarding me. The prophecy is becoming true." Angel stopped until he was mere inches away from Buffy and placed his hand on her face, an exact replica of the movement he had shared with Cordelia moments ago.  
  
"Do you know what this means?" He asked. Buffy only nodded.  
  
Their lips met and neither heard Cordelia's sharp intake of breath and the estranged sob that erupted from her mouth.  
  
And neither saw the lonely vampire standing outside in the cold night, watching his hopes and dreams die.  
  
End of Chapter. 


	9. Counting On Me

**A Man****'s Worth    Chapter 9**

**A/N: **I am sorry for the delay. The past few months were quite an adventure and I couldn't always find the time to write some more. I'll try to post the next chapters on a weekly basis or something like that.

If there is still someone reading this, let me know.

On with it.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Counting on Me 

Heard in a move once that humans believe that vampires can't cry.

Well, bugger me, because this one certainly can.

What was I expecting to see?

What did I want to see?

Certainly not that.

Anything but that.

-----------------------------

Spike did not run. He did not hide. He did not breathe.

He did not think.

He didn't want to.

The image was burnt into his mind, and every time he closed his eyes he saw the girl kissing the vampire.

Not that he couldn't take such images; He had, after all, seen Drusilla making out with a Chaos demon years ago, and he had gotten over that.

No. 

What made him want to throw up was the look in the Slayer's eyes.

--------------------------------

She had fantasized about he moment they met again.

She had hoped that once they saw each other, all that had happened between them would vanish and they'd melt into a sweet embrace and they'd promise to never let go.

To stay together forever and fight the good fight as a team.

To step over their mistakes and find a way to recover what had been lost when they parted ways.

What Cordelia didn't expect, was to have Angel call Buffy, and kiss the slayer in front of her.

Her eyes dropped a single tear, and as quietly as she could, the higher being disappeared from sight.

---------------------------------

Buffy sighed as soon as her lips left Angel's.

She kept her eyes closed, wondering when had she felt so awkward after kissing a man she loved.

But, was it still love? Was the feeling between the vampire and her still the smothering sensation that had consumed her as a teenager?

The answer confused her and she just tried to get along with the contentment she felt while being in Angel's arms.

"Are you ok?" He asked. She nodded and he hugged her closer. "It's been a long time."

Buffy nodded against his chest, but then she pulled away.

"Why did you call me?" She asked.

"What do you mean?" Angel answered, staring deep into her eyes.

"It's been years, Angel. You can't expect me to throw everything away and come running to you."

Angel chuckled and looked away. Buffy noticed the stupidity of her statement, since that was what she had exactly done.

"Don't get me wrong, I know I came running, but what did you expect?"

"I expect nothing from you, Buffy. I just wanted to give you the good news." He said softly, running his hand through her face. She sighed once more, and recalled one of the other things Angel had said when he called.

"Where is Spike?" She asked. Angel frowned and remained silent for a while.

"He was in the hotel, last I checked." He sniffed a bit and closed his eyes. "He's gone, though."

"Gone? You don't keep tabs on where he is?" She asked.

"Do you?"

Buffy looked away, and Angel smiled.

"It's ok if you don't."

"What do you mean?"

"The chip. He can't hurt you."

Buffy still didn't meet his eyes. This time, he noticed.

"Something you're not telling me?" She kept her gaze away, and Angel was forced to take her chin and guide her face to his. 

"Buffy?"

"About this chip. He… has been able to hit me since I came back." She almost whispered. Angel's eyes hardened but he made no attempt to move.

"Only you?" He asked. She nodded.

"Very well. Any reason why he's not dust?" He asked. She chuckled a bit, thinking that if she told Angel what she had done, he'd turn to dust himself.

"He helps." She said, "He's tried to be there for us." She met his eyes this time.

"I can count on him."

-------------------------------------

He was trying hard not to cry. 

Mostly, he was trying to feel something other than the pain and fear running through his system. Thankfully, he didn't need to breath, or else he'd be hyperventilating at the moment.

He'd already thrown up. His mind kept replaying the idea that he was doing this for her, but his heart was aching in a way he never thought possible.

He'd seen the picture. He'd heard the stories. He'd seen it before.

But he didn't love her then. Or at least he tried to pretend not to. 

This time, he had seen the love of his life kiss somebody else. 

--------------------------------------

"So, basically, you trust him." Angel stated. Images of both of them, lying after sex on his crypt's floor, came flooding back to her mind, when the bleached vampire had asked something along the lines of trust.

"I don't know." She answered.

"You're not making sense, Buffy." Angel pushed, trying to understand what was going on. She sighed and began pacing around.

"It's complicated." She said.

"You know it is not." Angel answered, "Either you trust him or you don't. Simple as that. Do you trust him?"

She stopped pacing and looked away.

"Yes." Buffy answered. It was Angel's turn to look away.

"Do you have feelings for him?" He asked. She immediately turned back to see him.

"Why do you ask that?" She asked, almost angrily.

"You tell me. Did you come here to see me or to find him?" He asked.

"That's not fair, Angel. You called me." 

"I know I called. I wanted you to know. What I'm asking is if you came here because of what I told you or because Spike was here?" He repeated his earlier statement.

"What if I told you that a bit of both?" She answered.

"Then I'd thank you for being honest."

---------------------------------------------

It'd been a while since the last time he'd stolen alcohol.

Two nights. 

24 hours more than the last time. He didn't want to be pissed drunk for what had to be done, but there were things he wanted to forget.

Her eyes.

He drank, slow and deep, trying to burn out the memory. The glimpse of the spark he saw tingling in both their eyes when their lips touched.

He sighed. He knew what the spark was, and why it had never clicked between Buffy and him.

Bottom line, she didn't love him. She was using him.

He understood.

One bottle disappeared with one long gulp.

-------------------------------------------

"I'm still not convinced with him being able to hit you." Angel said. 

They'd both moved into his office, and were each nursing a drink. Buffy took a sip out of her scotch and cleared her throat.

"And I certainly don't remember you drinking." He said, smiling.

"I don't drink." She answered.

"But you certainly like scotch." Angel replied. She smiled a bit and drank some more.

"I like the smell of it." 

"As I was saying. I don't like the idea of Spike's chip not working on you." Angel repeated.

"It's not as if I can't take care of myself, or him for that matter." She replied.

"I know you can take care of you. But I still worry. And with my soul being anchored…"

"What with it?" She asked.

"I can, I mean, if you want to…" He left the sentence hanging in the air for a bit, and she shifted on her seat.

"You can what?" She asked.

"I could come back to Sunnydale." He finished. She gripped her glass hard, a gesture that was not entirely missed by Angel.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"No. I mean, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to come back, or go, whichever might be the case here but I'm not sure that it is the right course of actions given the fact that…"

"Buffy."

"we are having a good time in ol' Sunnyhell. Yup, everything's allright there and I'm aware that you're gonna get your soul back and…"

"Buffy."

"it would be really great to have you back and help us fight but I don't know if you want to leave L.A. all alone and have no backup here and…"

"Buffy! Breathe!"

Buffy closed her mouth and realized she had indeed not taken a breath since she began speaking. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to decide what to tell Angel.

Which could have been easier if she knew what she was feeling herself.

She opened her eyes and saw Angel's, staring directly into her, letting her know that a decision had been made and that he'd indeed go back to Sunnydale, even if she wanted or not.

Closing her eyes, she saw a pair of blue ones that had looked at her searching for something. Looking for her permission to love her. For her guidance and her acceptance.

How could she tell Angel that she didn't want him back because she already had help?

"Your silence has something to do with Spike?" He asked. She jumped back and opened her eyes.

"What?" She almost shrieked.

"Look. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out." He said.

"How come?" She asked.

"Given that he's still alive. Given that he can hit you."

She shied away from his eyes. He smiled and rubbed his neck.

"It doesn't matter, Buffy. Really. You gave me a chance after I had killed and tried to end the world. I'm still not sure over your reasons, but I can understand you giving him a second chance."

She smiled and took one of Angel's hands in hers.

"I can't tell you that I'm not glad for you and your soul. I can't tell you that I'd really like it if you came back. But I also can't lie to you when I tell you that I'm not sure about it. Let me think it through."

Angel smiled as well and applied some pressure on their joined hands.

"I realize this is a sudden thing, but the one thing that made me leave has been fixed. There's nothing that keeps me away from Sunnydale. From you."

"What about L.A.?"

"Someone will take care of it."

"Any unfinished business?"

Angel thought of Connor. His son. He could be taken to Sunnydale and be helped.

"There are some things that need my attention. Either here or in Sunnydale."

Buffy frowned, but he had heard her reasons. She could give him that.

"Ok. I will think about it. Maybe we could make it work." She stood up and finished her drink. Angel stood up as well when she walked out of the office.

"Where are you going?" Angel asked.

"Out." She just replied. After all, she was not used to having someone ask her what she'd do.

"I'll be back soon."

She smiled and waved away. She stepped out of the hotel with one thought on her mind.

_I just have to find a vampire._

--------------------------------------------

The bottle crumpled with a satisfactory crack in his hand. The mixture of pain and the burning of the alcohol helped a bit with the less than forgettable emotional pain.

Even after all the alcohol he had drunk, he still couldn't let her go.

She was not that easy to forget.

In fact, he was sure he'd never forget her.

He looked into his pocket and read once again the piece of paper there.

He still had some time, but maybe he'd forget all about prophecies and do it there and now.

However, the immense alcoholic mist that clouded his brain told him otherwise.

Spike looked for a place to crash, and he did so, landing face first into the trash container.

-------------------------------------------

He knew that at least one day had gone by, because he felt the night to be young and he was starving. Spike chuckled, knowing that if everything worked out, drinking blood would be the least of his problems.

He shook the excess garbage out of his clothes, and stepped out of the container. He peered around and tried to focus where he was. He sighed and took out another bottle out of his duster. 

Jose Cuervo was a good friend. He'd help.

Spike looked above and saw the stars. It was a beautiful sight. He smiled and prayed for her.

That's why he never noticed when she walked next to him.

"Beautiful night, isn't it?" She said. 

Her words startled him and he almost dropped the bottle. He had not expected her to come looking for him. His tired brain tried to come up with an answer and it came only with inarticulate phrases. There was no way he'd show how much she affected him.

"Cat got your tongue, Spike?" She asked. When she received no answer but only a stare, she shifted and placed her hands on her hips.

"Maybe you could start explaining why you ran away from Sunnyhell without even saying goodbye." She said. Slowly, Spike knew what he had to do. 

Because if she knew, maybe she'd try to stop him.

So Spike fetched a cigarette, placed it on his lips, and let his oldest habit kick back.

"Like you're one to talk, Slayer, comin' to Angel's side like a bitch in heat."

End of Chapter.


	10. Tenderness

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 10**

**A/N:** I'm trying to update as fast as I can. Thanks to those who are still reading this.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Tenderness**

"What?" 

"Runnin' back to him as soon as 'e calls, ey? God, what a whore."

Buffy stuttered and crossed her arms.

"I'm sorry, but did you just call me a whore?"

"Well, yeah." Spike said, lighting up a cigarette. "The poof goes an' gets 'is soul for ever an' you're on 'im like white on rice. I'd say that qualifies as a ho."

"Take that back. You know it's not like that."

Spike chuckled.

"Oh, an' when he told you, didn't you jump his bones an' kiss 'im?"

Spike tried to hide his hurt as much as he could. It was, after all, the main goal of his plan.

"You saw that?" Buffy asked. Spike stared hard into her eyes.

"Of course. I was there."

"Listen, Spike, it was nothing like it, and even if it were, you don't have anything to say on my personal life."

"Certainly not, slayer. I jus' call 'em as I see 'em."

------------------------------

I want to believe you. I really do. Please God, forgive me. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

-----------------------------

Buffy flushed even more with anger.

"You can't tell me anything. Why are you being like this?"

Spike shook his head, trying to remain in character.

"I should 'ave known that the moment the poof got his rocks back you'd run back like a bitch in heat. Never pegged you for a begger, luv."

"I'm sorry, what?!"

Buffy uncrossed her arms and walked until she was a mere foot away from Spike.

"Care to repeat that?"

"With pleasure. You ran back to him like a bitch in heat. Guess all it takes for you to split your knees is Angel callin', right?"

Buffy punched Spike in the nose. Hard.

"Shut up."

Spike staggered back, but he did not stop. He laughed, trying to understand why she didn't hit him as hard as she could.

"What's the matter, slayer, losin' strength in your old age? Or has ol' Angelus tired you already?"

-----------------------------

_Come on, sweetheart. Lay it on me. I know you are better than this. You are the strongest woman I've ever met.  Don't disappoint me. Please, fight me._

-----------------------------

Buffy swung her feet and kicked him in the jaw. The impact made him flip in the air and crash into a wall.

"That strong enough for you?"

Blood oozed both from the wall and from Spike's eyebrow. 

"Enough games, Spike, what is it?" Buffy asked, clenching her hands.

Spike let out a humorless chuckle and smirked at her.

"I don' 'ave to tell anythin' to a whore like you." Spike said as he spat blood in her direction.

"Don't try to provoke me, Spike, I know you too well to know that's what you're doing."

"Oh, you think you know me?" Spike said, as he stumbled back to lean against the wall. He had to think fast, and he knew just what to do. He sought in his pockets and took out the address the cheerleader had given him.

"Take a look at this." Spike said, and threw the paper at her feet.

"What is this?"

"Oi, you are indeed a natural blonde, aren't you?"

Buffy fumed, but picked the paper up. She unwrapped it and stared at it.

"It's an address."

"An' the winner of the stupidest blonde of the year, the slayer!"

Buffy ran and punched Spike in the nose. Spike reeled back and slammed once again into the wall.

"What is it?" Buffy almost screamed.

Spike threw his head back and took a deep breath. This was not going on like he expected.

"Answer me, damn it!"

"It's a fuckin' address, slayer."

----------------------------------

_It's just the thing I need for you to be happy. You hold your happiness in your hands. Get on with it, Slayer!_

-----------------------------------

Buffy slammed her fist again into Spike's stomach. He nearly spat a mouthfull of blood on her face but decided otherwise.

"Tell me."

"Since you're askin' so politely," Spike said, "there's where someone will take the chip out. Bitch."

Buffy's eyes grew wide open, and Spike felt the twinge of sadness when he saw the emotions that ran through her face.

"You're lying." She said, with teary eyes.

"'m fraid not." Spike was trying really hard to not let her see how much her tears were affecting him, but he had a plan, and he had to go all the way with it. He drew his head back and slammed his forehead into Buffy's face. 

She stumbled back a bit from the impact, dropping the piece of paper as she tried to regain her balance. Spike leapt forward and picked up the address.

"So, now you know it, sod off."

She gathered herself up and stared hard at him, her nose dripping blood.

"What in the hell are you thinking!?" She asked. Spike stared at her nose and silently prayed for forgiveness. 

"I'd say, what are you bloody thinkin'. Leave me alone."

"Oh, sure, while you run and get that thing of your head!"

"What do you care. Run to your master, bitch."

Buffy closed her mouth, and a tear ran from her eye.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked, in a small voice. Spike had to swallow.

"Why? Oh, now that's rich, coming from you." He growled and began walking in circles around her. "Let's see. I tried to be good for you an' all you could do was shag me an' then beat me. I tried to be friends wit' all of you, and, guess what? You beat me again. I tried to prevent you from doin' mistakes an' you almost killed me. So don't pretend you care or that you give a damn."

"I..."

"No." Spike interrupted, "I'm done wit' you an' all your scoobies. Actually, 's a good thing that the poof is gettin' you back. You'll need all the help you can get."

"What?" Buffy asked, her voice barely containing her emotions.

"Oh yes, baby. As soon as this chip is over, slayer number three is goin' down."

A moment of silence fell between them and she sniffed.

"You wouldn't."

Spike cursed under his breath. What would it take for this chit to hate him?

"I think I would." Spike said, "But I won't kill all of you. I have more interesting plans."

------------------------------

_I would never hurt you, my love. But, for God's sake, leave. Get out of here. Let me do what I have to do. What does it take for you to leave? For you to hate me?_

------------------------------

Buffy took a step back and tried to control her emotions and thoughts.

"What plans?" She asked,

"The usual, y'know. The whelp? He'll die. Painfully. But not fast. Mebbe a few weeks. 'ave I ever told you the way Dru could keep a man alive for weeks while feedin' ? Those were the good days."

"Stay away from Xander. He wouldn't be able to fight back."

"Tha's the fun part, pet. He should 'ave known that this day could come. Maybe he'd kept 'is mouth shut." 

Buffy shook her head. There was a bit of truth in Spike's words.

"Then comes Willow. Ah, sweet Willow. I wonder 'f she's a real redhead."

Buffy's eyes grew even wider and her breath came out in ragged puffs.

"Don't you dare to come near her, or I'll..."

"You'll what? Ask Angelus if you can step out of 'is bed?" He growled. Buffy growled back.

" I don't need to ask anyone for anything!" 

"Oh, I can see it. You'll be about to stop me from turnin' Willow when the poof suddenly calls you to let you know he got a new haircut. You'll be outta the picture in three seconds flat."

"Don't..."

"Shut up! I'm talkin' here."

Inwardly, Spike was cursing Buffy's inability to fight. He was thinking over and over what things would hurt her enough to finally let go of him. He had already attacked her, Angel and her closest friends. 

He knew who was next, and how it would really affect Buffy.

"Actually, there's someone who won't be harmed. "

Buffy snapped back to attention and stared at him.

"What?"

"You know. The nibblet."

-----------------------------

I didn't want it to go this far. Please, Buffy, get the picture and walk out of here. Don't make me say it. Don't make me do this.

-----------------------------

"You stay away from my sister or I'll…"

"Or you'll what?!" Spike shouted, "Stay our of Angelus' bed long enough for you to stop me? I don't think so."

Tears flowed freely from her face when she slammed her fist into Spike's face. He fell down this time, feeling dizzy and knowing he had finally pushed too far.

"You wouldn't even take a step in her direction. You'd be dust before." She spat at him. 

Spike cradled his face and tried to stand up. Buffy did not let him go far before kicking him in the stomach.

"You wanted to make me angry? Congratulations, you did it."

Spike chuckled and slowly crawled back to his feet.

"I wouldn't need to walk, bitch. Your sister would come to me an' you know it."

Buffy kicked him once again in the head, making him almost lose consciousness. He flipped in the air before landing awkwardly on his left arm.

The shoulder dislocated and he had to bite his cheek to avoid screaming.

Buffy walked slowly towards him, cleaning the tears from her eyes.

"I don't know why you did this. I don't care anymore. You tried to bait me and I fell for it. I can't believe I ever thought you were any different."

She chuckled and her eyes watered again.

"Everyone kept warning me. That I shouldn't let you close. God, they were so right. You are nothing but an animal."

Spike cringed and cursed himself. 

---------------------------------

_Fuck you, Spike. Fuck you. You did it. Congratulations. Way to go, mate. You wanted her to hate you and you did it._

_Yippie-ke-yay Motherfucker._

---------------------------------

"I should kill you right now. Dust you. But I won't. Do it, Spike. Get the damn chip out of your thick skull. I've beaten you before and I will do it again."

She knelt next to where he laid and she grabbed him by the lapels of his duster.

"If you want a fight, come to me. Like you said, I'll have Angel by my side. My friends. My family. And what will you have, Spike?"

He tried to look into her eyes, hoping that false bravado would help him.

"You'll have nothing." Buffy said. "You'll only have hurtful words and nothing more. So, thank you, Spike, because you made me realize what a pathetic loser you are."

She slammed him once again into the ground, not bothering to look him once again. She turned around and walked away. 

Spike lifted his face to see her walk away, her head high and her steps secure. 

He had done it. He had killed any emotion she could have felt towards him.

Pain laced through his body and he buried his face into the ground.

He cried because he had lost her.

He cried because he knew he could not lose something he never had.

He cried because of the pain he'd inflicted on her.

He cried because he'd never fell her love, her tenderness, her trust.

He cried because he felt as if he was already dust.

End of Chapter.


	11. Pain

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 11**

**A/N:** Chapter eleven of the series. I must really apologize for the extremely long delay. On we go.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

**Pain**

Spike slowly stood up and tossed the bottle he'd been nursing away. He rubbed his eyes and immediately wished he hadn't. The wounds above his right eye opened and some drops of blood fell down.

"Bloody hell." He whispered. Almost all his strength gone, it took quite an effort for him to stand straight. He placed a hand on the wall to avoid falling down.

He reached into his pant's pocket and took out the piece of paper where the address was written. He squinted his left eye, because his right eye was almost swollen shut and the blood trickling down obscured completely the narrow sight he had

"Trust the cheerleader to write so small." He grunted. He cleaned his eyes and finally understood what was written in the paper. He sighed once again and began walking.

Fate awaited him.

Buffy fumed as she slammed the front door of the Hyperion. Everyone turned around but decided to stay out of the way when they saw her face.

She walked into Angel's office and slammed her hands on the table. Angel entered the office and noticed the state she was in.

"You ok?" Angel asked, slipping his arm around Buffy's waist. She shivered, then remembered this was the man she'd wanted for so long.

"Yeah." She answered, "Well, I think so."

Angel sighed and tried to pull her close. It seemed she still had her doubts, but she allowed him to draw her close. She hugged him and realized it wasn't the same body she used to hold lately.

She shook her head and smiled.

"What?" Angel asked.

"Nothing." She answered.

Spike barely managed to enter the old building before the first rays of sun fell on the sidewalk. He struggled and brought his game face on, hearing some more bones crack because of the fractures in his face. Though unnecessary, he inhaled deeply and wished the room to stop spinning.

_Get a grip, mate, it'll all be over soon._

He slowly surveyed the room and found out it had all worked out as planned. The vampires guarding the place were probably downstairs for the day and he had the element of surprise. He lifted his arm and popped his shoulder back into place. He had to be in the best shape he could if he wanted it all to work out.

Of course, he hadn't known the slayer would beat him so brutally. He took out the stake hidden on his boot and walked towards the door leading to the basement. He knew he had only a few seconds after he opened that door.

Once again, he took a deep breath and charged through the door.

"Are you sure?" Angel said.

"What?" Buffy asked, looking up into Angel's eyes.

"You don't seem too convinced." He said, staring at her in a way that made her uncomfortable.

"I don't recall anything that could grant this kind of reaction. What is it?" She asked, taking a step back. Angel smiled a bit and held her close once again.

"Sorry, just overreacting." He said. She sighed and rubbed her cheek against his chest. The whole scene should make Angel joyous, but he couldn't forget the awkwardness she displayed when he held her moments before.

Buffy sighed and stood apart from him. Angel stared at her, somewhat wary of her, and held her arm as she took a step back.

"Just overreacting, right?" He asked. She smiled and nodded.

She turned around and walked out of the office, hitting her elbow on the hinge of the door.

"Bloody hell." She muttered.

Angel froze upon hearing the words.

The fourth vampire had been slightly tougher than the other, and Spike was getting beaten on the good eye. _Dammit, I still need at least one soddin' eye._

Spike dodged the vicious kick aimed to his head and moved to bury the stake on the vampire's most vulnerable parts. The vampire screamed in pain and Spike used the opportunity to twist the creature's neck until the head was severed from the body.

"Ugh, I don' remember this being so messy." Spike said, as he inhaled some of the vampire's dust falling around him.

He knelt down a bit to ease the pain on his ribs. He was sure that Buffy had punctured a lung and the fight with these vampires had not helped his injured shoulder. Spike sighed and knew that his goal laid just a few levels below. Where more vampires awaited.

He lifted the stake off the floor and once again walked to the stairs.

"Something's not right." Angel said.

"What do you mean?" Gunn asked.

"I mean, there are some things that don't click." The souled vampire repeated.

"Once again, what are you trying to say?"

"This prophecy. It doesn't seem real."

"Cordelia said so."

"Yeah, and where is she right now?"

"Probably still rubbing her eyes with alcohol, man."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Where were you earlier, dude?"

"What?"

"You, kissing the blonde? Cordelia saw."

Angel remained quiet.

"You should really be sure about what you're doing here."

Angel looked down and stared at his boots. Gunn sighed.

"Anything else?"

Angel shuffled his feet and spoke without looking up.

"Nothing. Just… nothing."

Ten vampires on a regular night with a useful arm and peripheral vision would have been as easy as opening a can of peas every other day. However, this wasn't any regular day, he couldn't really see straight, and his speed was at least half of what it usually was.

After a few minutes of painful combat, Spike managed to dust the final vampire. He'd been stabbed but pain was the furthest thing from his mind. If the cheerleader was right, those vampires were the last line of defense.

He sighed and knelt down. That was it.

Success.

It was time.

Spike took out a cigarette and lit it on. A smile appeared on his face as he inhaled the nicotine.

"Show up, Chase."

"How did you know?" Cordelia said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Thought you might be checkin' on me." He said, balancing the cigarette in his mouth so that it wouldn't open the wounds on his lips. "Makin' sure I wouldn't slip or haul tail."

When Spike turned to face Cordelia, she noticed the numerous bruises and wounds on Spike's face. She grimaced and held her hand up, almost touching his face.

"She did this." Cordelia said.

"Yup. Had it comin'." Spike answered, his shoulders sagging a bit.

"No, you didn't. I don't know why you lied."

"You know why." He almost whispered.

"You could have given her the benefit of doubt."

"No point in it, pet. She loves the ponce."

Cordelia flinched at those words and she looked away.

"Struck a nerve, cheers?" Spike asked, without trying to hurt her. She sighed and shook her head.

"It just wasn't meant to be." Cordelia answered.

"Tha's what I think, pet. Precisely what I think."

"You know what will happen. And you know the consequences."

"Yup."

"So?"

"You know."

Cordelia sighed again and stared at his eyes.

"You love her, don't you?" She asked.

"Of course. Why else do you think I'd be doin' this?"

"To get in her pants."

"I'm tired of this same old thing, cheers. Let's get it on."

"I know. I'm sorry I can't…"

"'S ok. You can't help me." Spike looked down and noticed a few more drops of blood pooling next to his shoes. His blood.

"You didn't answer me before. Is there something you'd like me to do?" Cordelia asked.

Spike remained silent for a few seconds, staring away.

"You ok?" Buffy said, upon seeing Angel.

"Yes. This feels like a dream." Angel answered.

Buffy hesitated, then hugged Angel and once again her mind told her that this wasn't what she wanted. Suddenly, Spike's broken face flashed through her eyes and she flinched. Angel noticed and held her closer.

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing. I don't know." She answered. Taking one step back she shook her head.

"You can tell me, Buffy. You know you can." He said.

"It's really nothing." She said. Angel sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

"You keep shutting me out." He said, a slight tone of anger on his voice.

"What?" She said, without turning to look at him.

"You're not telling me everything." He said.

"What do you mean?" She said.

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't."

"I won't get into this childish game, Buffy. What's going on?"

"I don't know." She said in a soft voice.

Cordelia shed some tears by the time she said goodbye to Spike. The vampire, on the other hand, was smiling and looking up. He watched as Cordelia vanished into thin air, carrying with her the promise of a dream.

A dream that was all Spike had left.

He smiled once again and went forward, opening the door and walking to his fate.

End of Chapter.


	12. A Soul and a Dream

**A Man's Worth**

**Chapter 12**

**A/N:** It's been a while since I wrote something. This is an idea I had crawling in the back of my head. I know the show is over but I really despised the way season 6 ended and I can't conceive the idea of Spike having a soul in season 7. This story takes place around the chapter named "Seeing Red", but I refuse to acknowledge the fact that Spike tried to rape Buffy.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

**FEEDBACK:** As you wish

A Soul and a Dream 

He didn't know whether to be impressed or disappointed.

It was beautiful, though.

Sparkles of electricity running through, the purple colored diamond stood frozen in the middle of the air.

Spike stared at it. His eyes fixed on the beautiful jewel suspended a few feet away from him.

He smirked and spat a mouthful of blood aside.

"It's on."

"I said I don't know!" Buffy almost shouted. Angel shook his head and held her arm.

"Please, Buffy, try to understand." He almost pleaded.

"Understand what?" She sighed exasperated.

"Oh, you'll have to forgive me, then." He said as sarcastically as he could. "Excuse me if I'm slightly upset because you're channeling your inner Spike."

"Huh!" She said.

"Don't tell me no one has noticed before." Angel said, trying his best to remain calm.

"Notice what?"

Angel sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

"How you express yourself lately?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, frowning.

"Listen to how you speak." Angel huffed.

"What!" Buffy almost screamed.

"You know what I mean."

"What do you want from me, Angel!"

"Just an explanation."

"I don't have one!"

"Yes, you do!"

"How could you know!"

"I know you, Buffy!"

"You don't know me at all." She coldly said, "I'm not the same girl you left years ago."

She turned around and left Angel's office. The vampire was stunned speechless and he didn't know what had happened to the girl he loved.

The slayer, however, had but only one thought in her mind.

_Bloody stupid vampire._

The first attempt failed miserably.

Painfully.

Spike's hand smoked from the shock the orb had unleashed. The enchanted item didn't need any vampires guarding it. It could very well defend itself.

A very bad thing, since the orb was placed perfectly within anyone's reach. Wide open for the whole world to take and attain that which Spike was striving for.

The knowledge and the power.

He stretched a bit more and took out of his pocket the thing he had taken away from the slayer. The ring she wore on her left hand. He played with the silver band which had no inscriptions or fine jewelry in it, but beautiful still the same.

Just like her.

Spike looked up and saw it was already daylight. He sighed and smiled.

It was the last day he'd ever see.

"What do you want?" Buffy asked. She'd sensed Angel as soon as he stepped out of the hotel and approached the fountain. Lounging alone in the yard, the slayer had been debating what to do. She'd wanted to leave the hotel, leave town, or even better, leave the state and ignore that vampire's remarks.

Or what those words meant.

"We need to talk." Angel said, standing behind Buffy's back.

"There's nothing to talk about here, Angel." She said. Angel sighed and nodded.

"We do." Angel muttered. "More than you'll ever know."

It was then or never.

Spike cracked his knuckles and sighed one last time. The shocks that the diamond gave him were rattling his bones and had spiked his hair. However, he knew there was no other way.

Not one.

He looked once again to the light that filtered from the open door up the stairs.

Angel had been right.

She deserved so much more, and this time he could give it to her. Spike went for the diamond again. The moment his fingers touched the stone, the lightning crawled up his arms and shook his entire body. Spasms of pain and sudden contractions assaulted his body and he felt his knees go weak. His muscles began aching as he made one last push.

The energy field pulsed slightly and exploded in a blinding flash. As soon as the light receded, a smoked vampire stood, holding in his hands the prized diamond.

He smiled and a maniacal laughter erupted from his lips.

Then nothing.

Spike stared at the diamond and began shaking it. He frowned when time passed and the diamond had not reacted at all. Tense minutes went by and the vampire slowly began to lose his patience.

"Bloody hell." He whispered. Spike shook his head and was about to throw the diamond away when a second flash of light shone before his eyes.

"_We thought you'd never speak._" A thunderous voice boomed all through the basement.

"What the…?" Spike looked around, trying to find who had spoken.

"_You came here seeking something._" The voice spoke again, bouncing around the walls "_A prize. Knowledge. A reward. A trade._" Spike almost jumped but kept his cool.

"Uh, yeah, a prize." He answered. "Somethin' 'bout a wish."

"_'Tis not a wish._" The voice thundered, "_'Tis a trade._"

"Yeah." Spike said, "A trade, whatever, let's do it."

"_The exchange was not meant for you, vampire._" The voice noted. "_We were waiting for the vampire with a soul._"

Spike cursed under his breath.

"The vampire wit' a soul was busy. I'm all you've got."

A cold, harsh laugh boomed.

"_You fail to understand. This task was not for you to fulfill._"

Spike cursed again, this time loud and clear.

"_So leave, vampire, you have nothing of our interest._"

The light shone once again and Spike understood he was losing his one and only chance.

"There must be somethin' you can get from me!" He shouted. The light flickered, lingered for a moment, but vanished, leaving the vampire standing alone in the midst of the dust.

"Dammit." He whispered. He felt betrayed and for a strange reason, he felt the need to throw up. He paced around, finally realizing he'd thrown everything away. He had nothing left. He couldn't go back to Sunnydale. He knew if Buffy or Angel ever saw him again there'd be a dusty ending.

His mind raced a mile a minute, looking for any other chance or any way out of his predicament. He remembered the purple diamond and sought it. Maybe if he had the rock he could do something with it. He traced the floor until he found the diamond he had so carelessly discarded. He was about to pick it up when the voice returned.

"_The diamond is not what you need._" The voice said. Spike chuckled and picked it up.

"Somehow I'm not that convinced." Spike inspected the diamond, looking for inscriptions or something that could help him.

"_The diamond is not what you need._" The voice repeated, "_It has no meaning whatsoever. We are what you seek._"

"Who are those 'we' you keep referrin' to?" Spike asked.

"_We are of no concern to you, vampire, as the diamond is of no concern to us._" Spike sighed and shook his head.

"I knew you'd seek a soul." Spike began. "I 'ave none. I want none. But there must be somethin' else you may take from me."

"_What could you have, vampire, that could be of interest to us?_" The voice asked. Spike took a deep breath and lifted his eyes, staring at where the bright light had been.

"Somethin' worth what I want."

The voice once again laughed and the light shone, a different color.

"_You presume too much, vampire, you seek an impossible wish._"

Spike's eyes shone with deadly intent.

"You must 'ave read my mind, then. You know what I want. Can you do it?"

"_Of course we can, vampire. We can do everything._" The light pulsated as every word was enunciated.

"We can trade, then." Spike said. "Take whatever you may want from me."

It was then time for the booming voice to remain quiet. Spike counted the seconds it took the voice to answer.

"_There may be something. In you._"

A scream pierced the ambience of peace that covered the Hyperion.

Deafening sounds and blinding light embraced Angel as he walked towards Buffy. The souled vampire screamed but his voice was lost in the midst of the noise, which kept towering until everybody had to cover their ears inside the hotel.

As soon as the light and the noise died, Angel fell to his knees, panting. Buffy slowly opened her eyes, and noticed the vampire kneeling a few steps away from her. She took a step towards him when everybody rushed to them. Voices soon appeared asking what had happened and if everybody was all right.

Buffy heard none, for she was focused on the slightly dazed vampire on the floor. There was something strange upon Angel, no longer feeling him the way she could feel every vampire.

Angel was still panting, but then his eyes shot up, locking instantly with Buffy's. The slayer noticed the frightened look in Angel's eyes, a look that was reflected in her eyes.

"Angel?" She asked. The vampire kept his eyes on hers, and she noticed he was shaking.

"Something's wrong." He said. Buffy rushed to his side and kneeled before him. She placed her hands in his face but immediately removed them. The action shocked those who were around and they sought an explanation in the slayer's eyes.

"Oh God."

They all turned back to Angel when he uttered those words. Buffy turned her face away from him, not knowing what to think.

"Oh God." Angel repeated. "My heart's beating."

"_The trade is done._" The voice thundered around. "_Now we'll take what we want._"

Spike frowned.

"Tha's it?" He asked.

"_We fulfilled our part._" The voice repeated. "_ A trade. We gave you what you wanted. Now we will take what we want._"

The voice did not give Spike a chance to react, for an invisible force got hold of the vampire's body. He was suddenly lifted off his feet and felt an increasing pressure crush him down.

"Could you at least tell me what 'appened?" Spike asked, his voice strained because of the pressure on his chest. "Jus' in case you got it wrong."

A thunder shook the basement.

"_What you sought._" The voice said. "_We made him what you wanted him to be. What she deserves._"

Spike smiled. He had gotten it right.

"_He has become something more._" The voice mentioned. "_We gave him what you wanted. We made him whole, so he could be what she deserved._"

The words made a cold shiver run all through Spike's body.

"To make him what she deserves?" He asked, the pain in his body forgotten.

"_A partner._" The voice said. "_Someone who could fight with her. Someone who'll stand next to her._"

An equal.

Spike closed his eyes and welcomed the pain. He silently thanked God for not completely forgetting a creature such as him.

"_It's time._" The voice said.

Spike sighed and opened his eyes. He stared at the only window in the old basement. The sun was high and it seemed it'd be a beautiful day.

With a fierce effort, he sought the silver ring in his pocket. He slowly placed it in his left hand.

Spike sighed again and felt tears welling in his eyes. He'd done it. He'd won.

He'd given her away, and she would never know.

The most bittersweet moment of his long life.

He felt the pressure increase dramatically. Pain tore through his body and he felt some ribs crack. He clenched his teeth, trying not to scream. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

"_We gave him life._" The voice finally said. "_So we will take yours in return._"

Thunder cracked and light erupted from the diamond Spike still held in his hand. A burning sensation began at the tip of his fingers, traveling upward his arm. He knew what came next, there were not so many ways a vampire could be killed.

His head began to feel heavy, and he couldn't focus on anything at all, only the hope of her being happy. Of her regaining what she had lost so long ago. Hopes of her being with the love of her life.

"I love you." He whispered, pain lacing his body, an unseen fire burning him.

But it was ok. She was finally happy.

_I love you, Buffy, I will miss you so much._

So, Spike, the soulless monster, the evil thing that couldn't love, the scourge of Europe, gave everything for a love that was not meant to be his.

A dream turned into dust.

And William the Bloody died the same way he lived his whole existence.

Alone.

End of Chapter.


	13. Will You Remember Me?

**Chapter 13**

**A/N:** Chapter 13 of the series. I know last chapter wasn't what many of you expected. Maybe it was. Let me know how you feel about it.

**Note:** This is not a happy fic. For those of you looking for a joyous story, stay away from this one. Really.

**Feedback:** As you wish. In case you don't want to go to the bio page, the email is: You Remember Me? 

Angel stood outside the Hyperion, waiting for dawn. He felt strange. He hadn't seen the day come up for over two hundred years.

Without counting the day he had turned human and had thrown it away for the sake of the world.

He saw the first rays of light touching the top of the hotel, meaning he had just a few minutes until the sun hit him straight in the face.

He found himself missing the strange shiver that ran through his neck whenever day was approaching. His mind still screamed at him but his body showed no reaction.

Besides, he was cold. It'd been decades since the last time he'd been cold. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice when the sun bathed him completely. It was until he felt the warmth in his hands when he realized he was standing in sunlight. He closed his eyes and spread his arms.

He allowed himself to grin for a moment. After a hundred years, he'd finally gotten what he wanted. The Shanshu prophecy had been real.

Yet, something in the back of his head screamed in outrage.

Buffy was happy. Or at least as happy as someone could be in her situation. She knew things in Sunnydale were still fragile. She felt guilty, for running out of Sunnydale as soon as Angel had called. She'd been desperate to leave the tension back home that she never stopped to think about what her absence could do to Dawn or Xander.

'_Comin' to his side like a bitch in heat, 'ey?_'

The slayer shook her head, not wanting to hear such words again in her mind.

But was he right? She'd practically tossed everything aside when Angel called. Had she been worried about her old flame, or was she only trying to see where Spike was?

Buffy walked out of her room and down the stairs. It was still early, because no one was in the lobby. She peered inside Angel's office and noticed a cup of coffee. She approached Angel's desk and took the mug in her hands.

It was still warm, meaning that either Angel had woken up early or hadn't slept at all.

She wondered who could have slept the night before.

Angel was human.

She still couldn't grasp such concept in her head.

Angel as a human.

In all seven years she'd known him, she'd never expected to one day see him as one. She had toyed with the concept before, when she'd been madly in love with him. However, as the years went by, she dreamed about it less and less, having the memories of Angelus hovering over her.

She'd turn to think that maybe it was more probable to have him turn into Angelus permanently than him turning into a human.

And how much of a human was he?

She didn't know, and maybe she'd find out later.

"So, he's human or what?"

The question shook the slayer out of her thoughts. When turning, she noticed her younger sister standing at the threshold of the front door of the hotel.

"We think so, Dawnie." Buffy answered, "Still haven't proved it myself."

Dawn snorted and walked towards her sister.

"Looks like evil dead is not so dead anymore, huh?"

Buffy sighed and a smile covered her face.

"Enough with the cracks, Xander." The slayer greeted her friend. "His heart's beating and it seems he gets to walk in sunlight without bursting into flames."

"Great, now we'll be forced to treat him as a human being?"

Buffy smiled.

Both teams were gathered within the lobby of the Hyperion. Giles and Fred were reading again the Shanshu prophecy trying to find something that would tell them exactly what Angel was then.

The former vampire proposed that the easiest way to find out was for him to spar with Buffy. Giles seemed to agree but Buffy was reluctant to it. Xander, however, jumped immediately when he saw the chance of fighting Angel in equal terms.

The result was quite shocking. Angel seemed to have retained most of his vampiric strength, speed and most senses. He wasn't as strong as Buffy but he still could be a champion for the powers that be.

After a few hours of good mood, Angel suddenly realized one person was missing. Someone instrumental in the latest developments in his life. Someone he thought should be there with them all.

He excused himself and walked towards his office. Lorne noticed and immediately went behind him.

"What is it? I'm getting some serious sad vibes from you." Lorne asked.

"Someone's missing." Angel said.

"Oh, and I happen to know that someone?"

"Yes. I can't shake this feeling he should be here."

"And why isn't he here?"

"There are some things not clear between both of us."

"Bad blood between you two?"

Angel looked at Lorne, a fleeting flash of hurt crossed his eyes and he looked down.

"He caused me pain."

"Can he be forgiven?"

"I think so. He's been good lately. Strangely good, but good nevertheless."

"Call him, then."

"I'm not very sure where he is."

"Is he that hard to find?"

"No, I mean, I know where he is, but..."

Lorne smiled and patted the former vampire on the back.

"Call him."

"Uhm, I don't know how everyone will react to him being here."

"Who is it that you're worried about?"

"Everyone?"

Lorne chuckled and shook his head.

"They'll be glad to see him. Don't worry."

Angel smiled as well.

"He's not the same as he used to be."

"He had his reasons."

"Do you think it was her?"

"Probably."

Angel stared at Buffy, still in awe for having her, and another feeling of uncertainty crashed on him.

"Yeah, I know."

"So, Angel? What will it be?"

Angel nodded. He walked out of the office and came near the slayer.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?" She said as she turned around.

"Have to go."

"Where are you going?"

"To find someone who should be here."

"Who?"

"I owe him this much. I'm here, this day, because of him."

"Huh?"

"I have to find Wesley."

As the day went by, the party went on, reaching new heights of happiness and joy. It seemed that for once, both the A- Team and the Scoobies were having a bit of fun. Not one of them but two had found something they had longed for so much. Maybe too much.

Even though, Xander was not that thrilled to have Angel back in their lives, but he knew that for Buffy's sake he'd try his best to be happy for her.

But for the moment, he just tried to enjoy the happy looks everyone had. He even tried to ignore the fact that Cordelia was missing and Dawn seemed to be sulking and frowning in the middle of the room.

He made a mental note about it and decided he should talk to her in the morning.

Dawn was indeed sulking, because she was tired of being happy and because something was disturbing her on another level.

She had heard the story both from her sister and from Angel, and she couldn't believe she had been fooled like that.

So, she shrugged and tried to leave it behind. It wasn't worth it and he definitely wasn't worth it. She stood up and began dancing again to the music.

Across town, the calm evening was suddenly disturbed by an increasing wind from the north.

The wind sped up, focusing its might on an old, abandoned building. It seemed to be looking for something inside the place. After everything settled, the moonlight shone through the window, illuminating a small object amidst the rubble.

A shiny object surrounded by a pile of dust and burnt clothing.

A ring that held the hopes of a damned creature whose time in this earth had ended.

The wind blew once again and disturbed the pile of ashes, scattering them across the basement.

The ring rolled into a crack on the floor, slipping into it, falling in it, as unnoticed and forgotten as the dust that once was a man in love.

Light filled the room as a higher being made her appearance. Cordelia looked around and let a single tear run down her cheek when she saw the ashes.

She slowly walked towards them, and with respect knelt in front of them. She carried with her a wooden box, adorned with ancient writings, made before humans existed. She whispered some words and the ashes stirred, moved by magic forces.

Cordelia opened the box and the dust fell inside of it. She closed the lid and slowly traced the patterns.

"I'm here, Spike."

She stood up and cradled the box to her chest.

"I didn't forget." She whispered.

"I didn't forget."

End of Chapter.


	14. The Letter

**Chapter 14**

A/N: Chapter 14 of the series.

Warning: This is not a happy fic. I've warned you before. Read at your own risk.

Feedback: As you wish. At letter 

Buffy Anne Summers hated certain things in this world.

Some of them were vampires, others were demons, and others were as mundane as doing the laundry or cleaning up her room.

Thus, her anger escalated when she took it upon herself to clean the room Spike had occupied a few days ago. Her mind still could not cope with his twisted ideas.

He surely had bunked on the hotel waiting for the perfect moment to ruin their lives. And still, there were some things that did not click on her mind.

Exhibit A: the room.

Said room's number struck her as weird.

147.

She tried to remember what was it about that number and Spike. Buffy shrugged and continued her task of tossing and almost breaking everything apart. Soon, she'd placed the meager possessions the vampire had into a few boxes, intent on burning everything down.

She growled when she saw the huge amount of papers piled up on a corner. She grabbed them all and threw them unceremoniously into the nearest box. However, fate interfered and a few of them fell out of the box. Buffy sighed and began picking them up. Suddenly, her eyes fixed on one of the papers and saw her name on it. On a more careful examination, most of the papers had her name.

An unchecked wave of rage ran up her spine and she almost growled again.

How dared he to write something about her after all the things he had done? She ripped some papers but curiosity won and she decided to read them. Maybe there were some things there that could explain why had he returned to his old ways. She stared at one of the papers and picked it up. It was all bent and it seemed to have been crushed many times. She slowly unfolded the piece of paper and began reading it.

_Slayer._

_Buffy._

_Is it ok to call you Buffy? Can I do that? Sounds better than Slayer. I hope you dont mind._

_Would you hit me for calling you like that? I can because I'm alone. In Angel's hotel._

_Ironic_

_What could I tell you? I have a lot of paper to write. Many things I wanted to tell you. _

_Things I can say because you're not here. _

_Things I can write because you're not reading this._

_Ever. _

_Will you destroy everything after I'm gone?_

Buffy couldn't believe he had already guessed what she'd do. Another wave of rage surged through her but she decided to keep reading.

_I'd like you to read this. There are a lot of things here important to me._

_I love you. I will always love you. _

_Please remember that._

_You won't be here to rip my face apart for saying it._

_I know you don't believe me. I can't make you._

Something stirred inside of Buffy's heart, but the hateful things and vicious blows Spike had dealt her way a few days back made her feelings harden once again.

She kept reading, not knowing why.

Why do I love you? I don't know. I have never known.

I've tried to find out why.

I stopped thinking of you as a happy meal a long time ago.

I'd like to hold you and yet not because I'm afraid you'll disappear.

Maybe I'm insane

Figures.

It rubbed on me after all.

Don't laugh at me, please.

Buffy shook her head to get rid of that grin that had unconsciously crept up her face. She fumed once again.

"Stupid vampire." She muttered.

_But you're not smiling. _

_You're not thinking of me._

_You are somewhere else._

_Someone else is holding you._

_You're smiling._

_You hate me. It doesn't matter what I do because you will always hate me._

_Why do I love you? _

_You're special. The part of you that is a beautiful woman and a great friend. _

_The whole package. Buffy and the Slayer._

_The way you balance everything inside and you give the proper amount of love to everyone around you._

_Most of them, anyways._

_I like the way you play with your hair._

_When you're twirling the stake in your hands._

_When you go glassy eyed thinking about Dawn's future._

_When you bite your lower lip when you feel that someone's watching you. _

_Lately you felt when I looked at you and you would turn around and give me that hard look. _

_The look that reminded me how much of a monster I am. The look that chastised me back to my place._

_The look that was my leash._

_I love you._

_There's no one around to tell me it's a lie._

_No one to tell me I'm a soulless, evil thing. _

_I would have liked to tell you one last time._

_Staring into those pools of crystalline hazel that are your eyes. Feeling that soft expanse of velvet surface you call your skin. Inhaling the soft and exquisite fragrance that lingers to your frame. The slight tingling I felt in the base of my neck when you were around. _

_I will miss that._

Buffy's face scrunched up. Why had he written this letter?

_I thank God you won't read this._

_I couldn't face you after doing the hideous thing I'm about to do_

_All to make you forget._

_So that you remeber the kind of thing I am and you won't ever feel anything for me but hate. _

_Because I don't want to hurt you in any way._

_I'll die in a couple days. Dead people don't feel anything, right?_

_I hope so You told me so. Every day._

_If everything works out you won't even find out._

_You won't even remember what we did._

_You always said it was a mistake._

_Do you know why I will die?_

_For the smile I could never see._

_For the love I never got._

_For the happiness you deserve._

_For my life is not worth anything but your joy._

_I want you to be happy again. _

_Because of what I saw in your diary._

_Sorry about that._

Buffy couldn't help the smile that covered her face. She was trying to understand what was going on and why was this letter making her feel this freaked out.

_Even if you read this you wouldn't believe me._

_I've given you no reason to._

You'll hate me in a few days.

It won't matter. You will be happy.

_Please be happy._

She once again smiled, but a constant feeling of despair was growing on her stomach.

_I know you will never read this letter. _

_I don't have any hope left._

_It's my only way of saying goodbye._

_I have to go now, sweetheart._

_Would you have loved me if I had a soul?_

_Would I have been good enough?_

_Would you have let me hold your hand?_

_Would I have been your friend?_

_Will you miss me?_

_There is nothing that will make me stop missing you._

_I love you._

_I will love you forever._

_William_

_Right. I forgot._

_Spike._

A tear ran down Buffy's cheek and landed next to Spike's real name

yet, the pain and rage she felt towards him made her want to have some answers, and fast. Her heart began pounding on her chest when she realized that if that letter was right, Spike was dead by that time.

The room began spinning and she made her choice.

"Cordelia! Get your higher ass down here!"

End of chapter.


	15. Revelations

**Chapter 15**

A/N: Chapter 15. Kinda long. Too many things I wanted to put down.

Warning: Not a happy fic. You know that. Proceed at your own risk.

Feedback. As you wish. 

"Cordelia!"

Buffy paced the room and clenching her fists, the letter still closely held in her hand.

"I mean it! I need to talk to you!"

A slight alteration in the air around Buffy alerted her of the presence of her friend. Buffy turned around and stared at Cordelia, who wore a sad expression on her face.

"What do you want, Buffy?" She asked.

"Answers."

"You don't like answers, you only like questions."

"Don't be funny, Cordelia, I need you to tell me some things."

Cordelia sighed.

"What is it?"

Buffy hesitated for a second, but she regained her confidence and stared directly into Cordelia's eyes.

"Is Spike dead?"

"You know he is. Vampire, remember?"

"I'm not joking, is he still among the living?"

Cordelia looked everywhere except the slayer's eyes.

"What do you care?"

The slayer in Buffy took charge and she almost growled.

"I care because I'm tired of people making decisions for me. I found a letter and I want to know what it means, so answer me, is Spike dead?"

Cordelia's gaze lingered on Buffy for a few seconds, before a decision was made.

A blinding flash of light and a sensation of nothingness later, and Buffy found herself standing in an abandoned building.

"Whoa."

"Yes, these trips can be quite disorienting."

"Disorienting? When did you learn how to use those words?"

Cordelia glared at Buffy, who in turn, expected a bitter remark from the higher being.

When she received none, the slayer stared at Cordelia.

"Uhm. Are you crying?" Buffy asked.

"No, of course not." Cordelia said, covering her eyes with her hands.

"Liar. Why?"

"You're about to see." Cordelia answered, and then she motioned to Buffy's left, where someone was opening a door and entering the room.

"Spike!" Buffy screamed, and instinctively raised her fists.

"Wait." Cordelia said, as her hand wrapped around one of the slayer's arms. "He can't see, hear or feel us."

"Huh?"

"This is the past."

"What?"

"Yes, Buffy, you wanted answers, here they are."

Buffy stared at Cordelia and then turned her back to where she could hear the vampire. She felt a bit uncomfortable, for she couldn't feel him as well. She supressed a slight feeling of guilt upon watching the bruised condition in which the vampire was. She frowned a bit and looked closer.

"He wasn't that hurt that night." She whispered.

"This is what happened after you left him in that alley. Once again."

"What do you mean once..."

"You know what I mean, Buffy, shut up and see."

Buffy did as instructed and silently observed how slow Spike was moving. She didn't remember having hurt him so bad, and that was a bite mark under his right eye. She saw him cough a bit and then finally speaking.

_'Show up, Chase.'_ Spike said.

Buffy turned around once again and looked at Cordelia, who didn't make eye contect.

"Look." She said. Buffy nodded.

_'She did this.'_ Past Cordelia said, and Buffy noticed she had missed some parts of the conversation.

'Yup. Had it comin'.'

_'No, you didn't. I don't know why you lied so much to her.'_

"Lie?" Buffy almost whispered.

"Shhh. Look."

_'You know why.'_

'You could have given her the benefit of doubt.'

_'No point in it, pet. She loves the ponce.'_

Buffy once again stared at Cordelia, who kept her gaze locked on the images.

_'Struck a nerve, cheers?'_

_'It just wasn't meant to be.'_

'Tha's what I think, pet. Precisely what I think.'

_'You know what will happen. And you know of the consequences.'_

_'Yup.'_

_'So?'_

_'You know.'_

_'You love her, don't you?'_

_'Of course. Why else do you think I'd be doin' this?'_

_'To get in her pants.'_

_'I'm tired of this same old thing, cheers. Let's get this on with.'_

_'I know. I'm sorry I can't…'_

_''s ok. You can't help me.' _

_'You didn't answer me before. Is there something you'd like me to do?'_

_'Maybe.'_

Buffy saw Past Spike limp closer to Cordelia, and whispered something in her ear. Buffy struggled but she couldn't hear what Spike was saying. She looked at Cordelia and saw her crying.

"What is he telling you?" Buffy asked. Cordelia now looked at her and shook her head.

"Listen."

Both came closer and saw that Spike was trying to keep his voice even.

_'No one will notice I'm gone.' _He said, _'I know that and you know it as well. I don't know what will happen after, but I do know that dust will remain.'_ Cordelia nodded.

_'Just… don't forget about me, ok? Remember what I'm doing. Know that I do this because I love her. Because of what she is. Because of what she deserves. Please.'_

Tears appeared on the higher being's eyes. Spike chuckled and shook his head.

_'Don't cry. I'm not worth it.'_

_'You are. What you're doing, it's...'_

_'Nothing, because no one will ever know. No one must.'_

_'But, Buffy believes you'll go evil again!'_

_'Yup.'_

_'Why?'_

Spike looked away from her and sighed.

_'I want to believe that I didn't cause 'er more pain, but it's really a stupid idea, because when Angel's around...'_

_'What?'_

Spike's head hung low.

_''Cause when Angel's in her life, she doesn't think about me. I will dissappear an' she won't notice it. I'm not important to her.'_

_'Spike...'_

_'It doesn't matter, cheers.'_ He said, _'You did your part. Now it's time to do mine.'_

Past Cordelia cried and said goodbye to Past Spike before disappearing into thin air.

"Why are you showing me this?" Buffy finally asked.

"You wanted answers, Buffy. Here they are."

"But this, this isn't what..."

"I know it isn't." Cordelia interrupted. "I know what he said to you. I heard every single word. But I also know what you did to him. All those times he tried to tell you he loved you and you broke him down. This is his one redemption, Buffy. To your eyes."

Buffy felt some tears slide down her cheeks.

"What will happen to him?" She asked.

"He had to bring the diamond out of the orb of Thyal 'Akian."

"What for?"

"A trade."

Buffy felt herself grow numb.

"A trade?" Buffy asked, her blood running cold. Cordelia simply nodded.

Buffy was about to ask something else when something in her mind suddenly clicked. She remembered the phone call from Angel, a few days ago.

_What had been his exact words?_

_'I'm being rewarded, Buffy. My soul will be permanent.'_

His soul.

She turned and stared at Cordelia, her eyes showing that she was about to learn the whole truth.

"Yes, Buffy." Cordelia suddenly spoke. "There was indeed a slip."

"A slip!" Buffy almost yelled. "You're not making any sense!"

"Hush." Cordelia said, pointing her finger at where Spike now hung, suspended in midair.

'We have done what you wished.' The voice said to Spike. 'Now we want what you offered.'

"God." Buffy whispered.

_What did you offer, Spike?_

She saw the vampire sigh and nod. She turned again to stare at Cordelia, whose eyes were glued to the image in front of them.

"No." Buffy said. "No. Don't tell me that…"

"Yes." Cordelia answered. "Shut up and listen."

Buffy did as told and clasped her hands shut. Her palms were sweaty and a sense of dread took all over her.

This is not happening.

She stared ahead and listened, but what she heard made her freeze.

'Give her what you wanted. Give her what she deserves.'

Buffy's eyes almost bulged out of her face, her mouth dropped open and she dug her nails into her own hands.

'We gave you what you wanted. Now we want what you offered.'

The slayer tried to say something, but her throat seemed to have shut down. Her thoughts swirling around what she had just heard. The booming voice was telling Spike that they'd just granted what he wanted, that they'd made him what she deserved.

What she…

"No." Buffy said. She closed her eyes.

"When did this happen?"

Cordelia did not answer immediately. Meanwhile, Spike was still hanging in the air, with a look of pain in his face. Panic began to grow in Buffy's stomach and she desperately needed some answers.

"Two days ago." Cordelia answered. "And yes, if you need it spelled. While I was trapped within the higher levels, we found out about a plan to bring back something that would pretty much hand our asses to us on a silver plate. The only way to bring such a creature into this world was through asking the orb to bring that beast into our reality."

Buffy nodded, her eyes still fixed on the floating vampire.

"Turns out that I couldn't do squat about it. I just wasn't allowed to interfere. However, something caused the preordained balance to shift, so I gained an opening and returned to earth to warn Angel." Cordelia continued. Light shone from her and everything turned white. Buffy blinked and saw nothing, except Cordelia standing a few feet away.

"Hey! Where's Spike?" Buffy screamed.

"We are outside of time right now." Cordelia answered, her voice even. "Before you see what happens next, I want to explain it all."

The higher being took a deep breath.

"The whole point of my warning was to have Angel retrieve the diamond, and take the trade apart from those who wanted the beast in our world."

"Why Angel?" Buffy asked, trying to keep her emotions in reign.

"Because he's a Champion, Buffy." Cordelia answered. "Because he had something to trade."

Cordelia stared into Buffy's eyes, and once again, knowledge showed.

"His soul."

"No." Cordelia replied. "He was supposed to trade something else for a wish.."

"Why didn't he…?" Buffy asked, crossing her arms, trying to stop them from shaking.

"Spike." Cordelia said, her voice low. "He appeared one night at the Hyperion, trying to find Angel."

"What? Why?"

"Don't know. Without him, we'd probably be still looking for Angel. He helped me and Wesley find him."

"Where was he?"

"He was in the ocean. Buried in a metal casket. By his own child."

"His own what?"

Buffy thought that she could not be more shocked, but no one had mentioned anything about Angel adopting a kid.

"We'll come back to that later." Cordelia said. "When we were tracking Angel in the ocean, I confronted Spike as to what were his real intentions. I got more than I wanted."

Buffy just nodded.

"Turns out that after Spike learnt what Angel had to do, he volunteered to take his place."

"Say what?"

"Look. I told them what had to be done. In order to stop something awful to enter this earth, Angel had to give up his life."

Buffy shook her head.

"His life? Why not his soul?"

"Souls are highly overrated, Buffy. Angel's soul is not what the orb wanted. We still don't know what it wants with the lives it takes."

"Wait, wait… so you're telling me that…"

"When Spike volunteered I thought he'd wish for something catastrophic. I didn't understand why a soulless vampire would want to take the place of someone who'd hurt him so deeply in the past."

"Hurt him?"

Cordelia looked away.

"There are things about Angel… Angelus, that you should never know. Or worse, see. Point is, I didn't know why Spike, soulless master vampire who hates Angel with a passion, would want to take his place. It just didn't click."

Cordelia closed her eyes, and the scene in the basement appeared once again. Buffy turned away from her and approached Spike.

She extended her hand, trying to touch Spike's face. Her hand just passed through the vampire's head, his eyes closed and teeth clenched.

"He's in pain." Buffy whispered.

"He's doing this for you." Cordelia said. "The powers inside the diamond have granted him his wish. He only wanted you to be happy. That's why Angel is a human and he gets to fight along your side."

Tears ran slowly down the slayer's cheek.

"This is not fair." She said.

"I know it is not." Cordelia agreed. "But there was no other way."

Buffy felt the need to slap Cordelia.

"There's always another way."

"Another way, Buffy?" Cordelia asked. "Tell me, then, why did Spike feel that he had to get you and Angel back together?"

Buffy had no answer to the question.

"Tell me, slayer." Cordelia said, her voice colder. "Tell me why a vicious vampire felt the need to put back the woman he loves with the one being in the whole universe he hates the most?"

Buffy stuttered, not knowing what to say.

"I can tell you, slayer." Cordelia began. "But you have to see. Look at what one man who loved you did."

Buffy stared into Spike's eyes, now open and staring at nothing.

She let the tears fall more freely. She was watching Spike die. And there was nothing she could do about it.

_'I love you.'_ Spike said, as his body lost strenght. _'I love you.'_ He said, even softer. Cordelia and Buffy looked away.

_'I love you, Buffy, I will miss you so much.'_

Both of them looked back in time to see his body turn to dust.

End of Chapter.


	16. A Silver Ring

Chapter 16

A/N: Chapter sixteen of the series. Probably the last one.

Feedback: Silver Ring

"I'm not comfortable with this new development in your character." Angel said. Buffy just chuckled and poured some more scotch in her glass. She downed the shot without acknowledging the comment made by the newly humanized vampire.

"Still not answering." Angel sighed. He stepped inside the room and sat next to Buffy in the floor. He ran his hand through her hair, and noticed again how she twitched whenever he touched her. Another sigh and Angel placed his hands on top of his knees.

"I know something's bothering you." Angel said. "That much is obvious. What I don't know is why."

Buffy just raised an eyebrow and repeated her scotch act. Angel frowned and looked at the bottle.

"Drinking yourself stupid won't help." He noted. "Done it a few times myself, but…" The frown deepened when the slayer skipped the part of pouring the drink into the glass and instead downed a big gulp right out of the bottle.

"I know it has something to do with Spike." Big sigh. "But I can't be sure unless you talk to me."

After a few minutes of silence and more scotch disappearing from the bottle, Angel stood up and walked out of the slayer's room.

Buffy was still not as drunk as she wished she could be. Not used to being defeated without a fight, she felt twice as depressed for not noticing what Spike had been doing that night.

Her vampire had been saying goodbye and all she could hear were the harsh words and the insults. Still, what was she supposed to do? He'd always known which buttons to push to throw her over the edge. The thought brought a wicked smile to her face, a grin that quickly vanished when the hard facts of life returned.

Spike was gone.

Completely. Out of the earth. Disappeared.

There was nothing she could do about it, which only intensified her anger and her pain. She didn't want to cry anymore, but it was proving to be harder every time she tried to stop.

And to make things even worse, outside of her door stood a newly oxygen breathing super human who had no idea where he stood in her life, and she didn't seem to care about it.

Yet, how could he blame her, when she was so messed up because of him?

'You'll never be friends' Spike had once told her. But at the moment she had not wanted to be friends with Angel. She wanted to be something more.

Spike had been the only one who had picked up on that. Funny how he was the only one in her life who always knew what was going on through her mind. She had always been annoyed by that, but at times it had been oddly comforting.

Specially after she came back from heaven, he'd been there for her. Always quiet. Always listening.

Always understanding.

Buffy shook her head and tried to stop thinking about him. She sighed and closed her eyes.

A sudden noise made her jump and aware of her surroundings. She scanned the entire room and noticed no one and felt no one. She blamed the alcohol in her body and sat again, now on the bed. She leaned down to pick up her bottle when a voice made her yelp and throw the bottle to where she heard the noise.

A very confused Cordelia ducked right on time to avoid being hit in the head with the bottle.

"Easy!" the higher being yelled. "No need to throw things at me!"

"Then don't surprise me like that!" Buffy yelled back.

"I swear, it's just like high school!" Cordelia said, crossing her arms. Buffy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms as well.

"What do you want?" Buffy asked, dreading whatever bad news Cordelia was delivering at the moment. The higher being uncrossed her arms and gave Buffy a soft look.

"I'm not here to fight." Cordelia said, her voice shy. "I'm here to talk. To listen."

Buffy's eyes grew and she uncrossed her arms, unsure of what she was hearing. She closed her eyes and forced her mind to focus.

"Talk about what?" She asked. Cordelia sat on the bed and patted the mattress, inviting the slayer to sit next to her. Buffy sat as far away from her as she could, staring all the time. Cordelia smiled and looked at the ceiling.

"My God, this room sucks." She said, trying to ease the slayer. Buffy, however, showed no intention to participate in small talk. Cordelia sighed.

"All right, all right. Bad things are coming." She finally said. Buffy chuckled.

"That's not new." The slayer replied. "Another apocalypse, with capital 'A'?" The slayer lost her sarcastic streak when she saw Cordelia's face grow grim.

"Oh." The slayer smirked. "I should have known."

"Nothing new, indeed." Cordelia said. "But it will be big. Bigger than everything else you've fought before. Both you and Angel will face very difficult tests. Each on your own."

"Why are you telling me this?" Buffy asked. "Last time you told us about something it turned out to be a hoax, and Spike died."

"Spike's death was his own choice." Cordelia whispered. "He was well aware of what he was doing."

The words fell like cold water over Buffy, and her earlier depression returned full force.

"I know." Buffy whispered as well. Cordelia looked down at her feet.

"He always did the most stupid things." Buffy suddenly said. "There was this time, when he knocked me unconscious with a cattle prod." The slayer chuckled, which prompted a weird look from Cordelia.

"He was trying to find a way to tell me he was attracted to me." Buffy continued. "So, obviously, being Spike, he managed to muck things up, tying me and having Drusilla rip my throat out if I didn't accept I was slightly attracted to him." Buffy kept chuckling, while Cordelia had a funny look on her face.

"You find this amusing?" The higher being asked.

"At the moment it was disturbing." Buffy answered, "Today, I can look back and laugh at it. One of the many stupid things he's done."

"If you knew." Cordelia whispered without noticing. Buffy caught the words and frowned.

"If I knew what?" She asked. Cordelia stared ahead, not answering right away. Buffy waited patiently for her friend to gather her thoughts.

"Before returning to warn Angel about the…you know, I kinda… saw all the things he's done… ever."

Buffy was silent as well for a few moments.

"Everything he's…done?" She asked. Cordelia nodded.

"I have to say that I didn't pay too much attention to what Spike did while he was with Angelus." Cordelia continued. "It just didn't … matter at the time."

"But you saw. Later." Buffy guessed. Cordelia once again nodded. A smile appeared on the slayer's face.

"Tell me about him."

Cordelia heard the words, but she didn't know what to say. She'd seen Spike as a murderer. She'd known him as William the Bloody, the brutal vampire. Seen him as the worst vampire to roam the earth, second only to Angelus.

And she'd seen as well the worst moments in the existence of the man, as well as those of the vampire. She bore silent witness to the events that turned the good hearted William into the savage beast that Spike had been. She'd seen the slow path taken after the Initiative shoved the chip into his head.

A path Cordelia knew had been chosen because of the slayer. Because of the love the soulless vampire felt for the woman sitting in front of her.

"He was a good man," Cordelia began "before he was turned by Drusilla. Can you believe he was a poet?"

Buffy's eyes grew wide. She remembered finding the poems and the letters in Spike's room, but never in her wildest dreams she had imagined that he had been a poet in life.

"He was not good at it." Cordelia continued. "He was rather… he sucked, for the lack of a better word."

Buffy nodded.

"That's how he got his nickname." Cordelia said, her voice soft. "William the Bloody."

Buffy frowned.

"I thought he was named like that after he was turned."

Cordelia shook her head.

"It was a reference to his poetry." She said. "William the bloody awful poet."

Something stirred inside Buffy's heart.

"Yeah, that's how everyone referred to him those days." Cordelia said. "Needless to say, our Spike didn't have many friends back then."

Buffy closed her eyes.

"He once told you when he was turned, but he never told you how it happened."

Buffy nodded, still without opening her eyes.

"Not a happy story, by any standard." Cordelia scooted closer to Buffy, keeping her voice low. "William was in love with a rich girl, named Cecily.

"William had written a few dozen poems about this… Cecily, none of which were good, but still, he was infatuated with her. He placed her in a spot where many women would wish to stand. She turned to be everything to him at some point."

"He tends to idolize the women he loves." Buffy whispered.

"The night William died, he attended a social event. A party." Cordelia said. "He kept in his breast pocked a little piece of paper where he'd written his latest poem. An attendant pried it away from his hands and read it out loud. In front of everyone."

Cordelia stopped talking, which made Buffy open her eyes.

"What happened?" The slayer asked.

"Everyone laughed." Cordelia answered. "One of the attendants then referred to him as William 'the bloody awful poet', embarrassing him even more. Yet, our Spike was a sucker for punishment, for he followed his Cecily in order to make his intentions clear."

"His intentions clear?" Buffy asked.

"To woo her." Cordelia explained. "William comes up to her and starts to declare his love for her when she cuts him short and tells him the coldest thing I've ever heard."

"What?"

Cordelia stared hard into Buffy's eyes.

"She said 'you're beneath me'."

Buffy felt another tug at her heart. The words too familiar for her to bear at that moment.

"I think it was at that moment that William died," Cordelia kept talking, "not the moment in which Drusilla drained him of all his blood."

Buffy closed her eyes again.

"That's not the worst story I can tell you about him." Cordelia turned to whispering again. "Our beloved Angel put him through some of the worst things I could ever think of. I won't even tell you about them. There are things that you should never know from either of them. Angel and Spike were not good in any sense."

"I know." Buffy replied.

"No, Buffy, you don't know. You haven't seen the things I've seen. You'd hate Angel right this very moment if you saw half of what I saw."

"Then I'd hate Spike as well." Buffy said.

"I don't know." Cordelia shot back. "Spike was a result of years of repression and helplessness, fueled by the sheer madness of Drusilla, the pure, undiluted evil that Angelus was, and the dark mind of Darla. He once was an innocent victim, turned into a beast by those around him."

"All vampires are evil." Buffy countered, not intent on arguing, but trying to understand.

"They are." Cordelia agreed, "But your particular vampire was never a usual one."

"I know."

"You must have realized at some point that there was something wrong with him."

Buffy chuckled.

"Oh, I did."

"Not like that." Cordelia chuckled as well, "I meant that it was not an average thing to have a vampire, William the Bloody, helping you patrol, or being nice to your mom, or taking care of Dawn while you were deceased."

Buffy nodded.

"He caught the attention of the Powers That Be. Rumors ran all through the higher planes. About a vampire in love with the slayer." Cordelia paused for a moment, lost in thought. "At first I thought it was Angel. It's common knowledge that he loves you.

"But I was wrong. It wasn't about Angel and you. It was about Spike and you."  
Cordelia stared at Buffy, and kept on talking when she didn't receive any comment from the slayer.

"He loved you, Buffy, he really did." Cordelia took Buffy's hand. "Open your eyes, Buffy."

The slayer did as asked.

"Spike was not a good creature. I know it. He killed and he enjoyed it. He destroyed families with a smile and he tortured with joy. I will not ignore that. But he also loved hard. He stayed with his dysfunctional vampire family because he fell in love with Drusilla. Spike always followed his heart and he gave his loyalty to Drusilla for over a century."

Cordelia squeezed Buffy's hand.

"But he never knew love." She said. "He gave but he never received. He loved three women in his whole existence and neither returned his love."

Buffy's eyes filled with tears again.

"And if I told you years ago that you'd cry over him, you would have never believed me."

"I miss him." The slayer said. Cordelia kept her eyes fixed on Buffy's.

"I'm sorry." Cordelia said. "But you now have to see things for how they are. A vampire, Buffy, a soulless vampire gave you what he thought you wanted. What you told him you wanted. It may not make sense but you did it. With every blow you dealt him. With every insult you sent his way. Every time he told you he loved you and you told him he couldn't love without a soul. Every time you made him feel like dirt because he dared to love you."

Buffy looked away, ashamed of hearing everything she'd done.

"Don't look away." Cordelia said. "I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I just want you to realize what…"

"What happened." Buffy finished the sentence. "I know what happened. I had a vampire who loved me. His worst sin was to love me. I threw it all away."

"Your mistake was not in never forgetting what he was." Cordelia said. "Your mistake was not realizing what he had become."

Buffy had no words. Cordelia had given her insight on two different occasions regarding Spike.

"There's nothing I can do, then?"

"If you're asking to bring him back, we can't. I'm sorry." Cordelia gave her hand yet another squeeze. "You can only take what he gave you. You have to recognize what he did for you. See him for what he was. For all he wanted you to see in him. A man's worth."

Buffy nodded and gripped Cordelia's hand.

The slayer cried herself to sleep.

Days went by and as Cordelia had warned them, things bigger than everything they had faced before rose in the battlefronts guarded by Buffy and Angel, forcing them to separate and fight.

However, the slayer did not let go of her thoughts of bringing Spike back, using all the resources at hand. Still, the efforts had to be delayed upon learning of their latest enemies, both the First Evil and the crazy god controlling everyone and everything in Los Angeles.

Nevertheless, her efforts did not go unnoticed at all.

"The slayer did not take the loss of her vampire well." The voices said. Cordelia had returned to a higher plane to let the events unfold.

"She was in shock the last time I spoke to her." She answered.

"The order was disrupted. Two vampires were supposed to fight, and there will be none." The voices continued.

"Spike's interference was not expected." Cordelia said.

"His actions shifted the course." The voices said. "They altered the souled vampire's destiny, as well as the slayer's. Something must be done."

"What?" Cordelia asked.

"We respect what the vampire did." The voices granted. "But other measures have been taken. He will not be returned."

Cordelia nodded.

"There is something else we can do. Something that has been prepared for ages."

Cordelia frowned.

"The slayer will have help in her fight. The vampire Spike will have his redemption."

The End.

There's an Epilogue. Check it out.


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

A Man's Worth

A/N: Just read it.

Feedback: are we going to do, Buffy?"

The slayer heard her sister's question, but there was something else entirely on her mind.

"I do believe we should go to a hospital."

Robin was not as bad as they thought. He had blacked out on the bus because of blood loss, but Faith had been able to stop the flow before the principal died.

Rona, however, was in a really bad shape and she had to endure some hours of surgery, but with her slayer healing abilities, her life had not been in any danger.

The rest of the slayers had minor injuries and none of them needed to stay in the hospital, not even Faith who had some third degree burns on her hands.

Turned out the locket Angel had provided them made her a hero. She had saved the world by closing the hellmouth. Someone with a soul but more than human. A slayer had been the perfect candidate for the role.

And finally, Dawn, Giles, Xander and Willow were all inside a normal room, guarding over their leader, screaming in bed.

"Breathe, Buffy, breathe!" Dawn kept repeating. Xander was sweating and slightly pale in one corner of the room. Willow and Giles were at Buffy's side, each holding one hand.

"If you say breathe one more time, I'm going to beat you silly with your own arm, Dawn!" Buffy yelled. Her younger sister immediately fell silent and began breathing herself.

"Ok, Buffy, I do believe it's time to push." The doctor said.

Twenty minutes later, Buffy Anne Summers gave birth.

Days later, all the surviving members of the Scooby gang and the A team were gathered at the offices of Wolfram and Hart. With Angel taking out Jasmine, Wolfram and Hart had been delivered to him in a silver platter, quite literally.

Doubts arose and suspicions grew, but with the combined effort of both teams they knew they had a shot at it.

Buffy excused herself from all the arrangements and festivities and locked herself in Angel's office. She stared at the small bundle in her arms and smiled at her daughter. Strangely enough she had only seen her daughter's eyes once before, when she had been born. The doctor said that the color in her eyes could change in the following days, but the once lone slayer had not seen them again.

She walked to the window and stared outside. A new day rose for all of them, and she knew then, with her daughter in her arms, that she would make it. That everything would be all right.

She remembered Spike and smiled at him, thinking she would have wanted him to be there.

At that moment, the baby yawned and opened her eyes.

Buffy looked at her and smiled, for her baby had blue eyes.


End file.
